Episode 169
169 - Is Your Anger Healthy or Harmful?
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Is anger always a bad thing? Or are there times when feeling angry actually makes sense?
In this episode of The Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explains why anger itself isn’t the problem. The real damage happens when anger is either suppressed or expressed in ways that hurt relationships.
You’ll learn what healthy anger really looks like, how it differs from destructive anger and how to express anger in a way that protects trust, communication and emotional safety.
What you’ll learn in this episode
- Why anger is a normal and necessary human emotion
- The difference between healthy, assertive anger and destructive anger
- How unhealthy anger damages trust and connection over time
- Real-life examples of responding to anger at work and in relationships
- Practical ways to express anger calmly, clearly, and respectfully
Key principles of healthy anger:
- Healthy anger is expressed, not suppressed
- It is assertive, not aggressive
- It focuses on solutions rather than blame
- It respects both your needs and the needs of others
Practical tips covered:
- Pause before reacting and reflect on what’s really going on
- Use “I” statements instead of blame or accusation
- Focus on problem-solving rather than winning
- Set clear, respectful boundaries
- Practice forgiveness to avoid carrying resentment
Want help applying this?
If you’d like support learning how to express anger in healthier ways:
- Watch the free training on breaking the anger cycle
- Book a free 30-minute Anger Assessment Call
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
Visit angersecrets.com to get started.
Anger doesn’t need to be eliminated. It needs to be understood and used wisely.
And remember:
You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself.
Transcript
Have you ever wondered whether anger is always bad?
Speaker A:Or whether there are times when feeling angry actually makes sense?
Speaker A:Most people I work with were never taught how to handle anger.
Speaker A:Instead, they were taught to either shut it down and say nothing or let it come out in ways they later regret.
Speaker A:And yet, anger is a natural and normal emotion that serves an important purpose in our lives.
Speaker A:In this episode, we're going to explore the concept of what healthy anger is and how understanding it can help us manage this powerful emotion.
Speaker A:This episode matters because confusing healthy anger with destructive anger can quickly erode trust, communication and emotional safety in relationships, often without either partner rather realising it's happening.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you'll clearly understand when anger is a useful emotion and when it becomes harmful, and how to express anger in a way that promotes healthy communication and connection.
Speaker A:Because the goal of good anger management programs isn't to get rid of anger, it's to learn how to use it wisely.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 169 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years, I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website, angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Okay, with that said, let's dive into today's topic, understanding Healthy Anger.
Speaker A:So what exactly is healthy anger and how can you learn to express anger in a constructive way?
Speaker A:First and most importantly of all, healthy anger is not about suppressing or ignoring your feelings.
Speaker A:In fact, it's quite the opposite.
Speaker A:Healthy anger is about expressing your feelings assertively, but not aggressively.
Speaker A:It means communicating your frustrations in a way that's respectful to yourself and others.
Speaker A:And it's about finding solutions, not fostering confrontations.
Speaker A:To understand this more, let's look at an example.
Speaker A:Imagine you're at work and a colleague takes credit for your idea during a meeting.
Speaker A:Most people in this situation would feel angry and disrespected in an unhealthy anger scenario.
Speaker A:You might respond to this situation with aggressive confrontation, perhaps lashing out or undermining your colleague in return.
Speaker A:This approach would likely escalate the conflict and potentially lead to professional consequences for you on the other hand, dealing with anger in a healthy way would likely involve taking a step back to process your emotions and then choosing how to address the issue with your colleague.
Speaker A:This could involve calmly and assertively speaking to your colleague in private about their actions, or finding a way to address the issue in other ways.
Speaker A:Let's look at one more example.
Speaker A:In the second example, imagine your partner makes a comment about you that hurts your feelings, such as by saying you never help out around the house or that you're always forgetting important dates.
Speaker A:Dealing with anger in an unhealthy anger way would probably mean lashing out at your partner or saying hurtful things in return.
Speaker A:As you know, this is not likely to lead to anything good.
Speaker A:On the other hand, dealing with anger in a healthy way would involve taking a moment to recognize that your partner's comment hurt your feelings and then calming down and choosing how to address this issue with your partner.
Speaker A:Perhaps your partner has just had a bad day and didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Speaker A:Perhaps you misheard what they said, or perhaps there is a deeper relationship issue that needs to be addressed and discussed calmly and respectfully.
Speaker A:In all cases, how you respond to this situation makes a huge difference to how the situation is resolved and the end state of your relationship.
Speaker A:In both of these scenarios too, you will notice that healthy anger management involves taking control of your emotions and expressing them in a way that is calm, constructive and respectful to yourself and others without being aggressive, dominating or controlling.
Speaker A:Dealing with anger in a healthy way is not about suppressing or ignoring your anger, but rather channeling it in a positive and productive direction.
Speaker A:If you are struggling to do this, here are a few tips I share with my clients to help them channel their anger healthily.
Speaker A:Pause and Reflect it's easy to react quickly when you are angry, but this almost never leads to a positive outcome.
Speaker A:Before reacting, take a deep breath, ask yourself, what's really bothering me?
Speaker A:And is there a productive way to address this?
Speaker A:This will help you take a step back and see the bigger picture, helping you to respond more constructively.
Speaker A:Use I statements when communicating your feelings, avoid using blaming language or making accusations.
Speaker A:Instead, use I statements to express how the situation makes you feel.
Speaker A:For instance, in the first scenario I discussed earlier, instead of saying you stole my idea, which will put the other person on the defensive, say I felt hurt when my idea was not acknowledged.
Speaker A:Seek solutions Expressing anger in a healthy way is usually solution oriented.
Speaker A:Instead of dwelling on the problem or harbouring resentment, focus on finding a resolution that works for everyone involved.
Speaker A:This might involve compromise or simply agreeing to disagree in a respectful manner.
Speaker A:The goal should be to resolve the conflict, not win the argument.
Speaker A:Set Boundaries in most aspects of life, it is essential to set clear boundaries.
Speaker A:If specific actions or behaviours have made you angry, communicate this calmly and clearly.
Speaker A:Let others respectfully know what is acceptable to you and what isn't.
Speaker A:Use I statements to do this.
Speaker A:This will help prevent similar situations from occurring in the future, leading to happier and healthier relationships.
Speaker A:Practice Forgiveness My final tip to help you express your anger in a healthy way is to practice forgiveness as much as possible.
Speaker A:Holding onto anger and resentment about past events is not healthy for anyone involved.
Speaker A:For events that are minor or that are not likely to affect you moving forward, let go and move on.
Speaker A:This will not only help you manage your own anger, but but also lead to a happier and more peaceful life overall.
Speaker A:Remember that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it is just about not letting anger control your life.
Speaker A:Navigating the complexities of anger is a significant challenge, but it's also an opportunity for personal growth and improved relationships.
Speaker A:As with many things, practice is key to to mastering the art of constructive anger expression.
Speaker A:If you would like my help to do this, Visit my website angersecrets.com to learn more about my coaching services and resources on managing anger.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks for listening to today's episode on understanding healthy Anger.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to control their anger today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to control your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey through towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
