Episode 168
168 - The Small Moments That Are Quietly Destroying Your Relationship
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Why is it that one small comment can turn into a full-blown argument in some relationships, while in others, it barely causes a ripple?
In this episode of The Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explains why relationships don’t usually break down because of the big arguments. They unravel through hundreds of small moments that slowly erode trust, safety and goodwill.
You’ll learn a powerful concept that explains why the same words can feel harmless one day and deeply triggering the next, and how small, practical shifts can dramatically change the emotional climate of your relationship.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
- Why small moments often matter more than big arguments
- The difference between positive and negative sentiment override
- How stress, resentment and anger quietly change how partners interpret each other
- Why neutral comments can start to feel critical or attacking
- Three simple shifts that help keep relationships emotionally safe and resilient
Three practical shifts discussed:
- Let your partner influence you — resentment grows when one person feels unheard
- Increase expressions of appreciation — positive interactions must be intentional
- Turn towards each other — small responses build emotional safety over time
Want help applying this?
If you’re noticing your relationship feels tense, reactive or fragile, support is available:
- Watch the free training on breaking the anger cycle
- Book a free 30-minute Anger Assessment Call
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
Visit angersecrets.com to get started.
Relationships aren’t usually damaged in one big moment. They change direction through small choices made every day.
And remember:
You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself.
Transcript
Have you ever noticed how in some relationships one small comment can turn into a full blown argument, while in other relationships the exact same comment barely registers at all?
Speaker A:Same stress, same words, but completely different outcomes.
Speaker A:Why is this?
Speaker A:If you're listening to this episode today that tells me that you want to have a healthy and successful relationship and you want to understand why this keeps happening.
Speaker A:So what makes the difference between a comment that creates conflict and one that passes by without causing any harm?
Speaker A:In this episode you'll learn the answer to this question, and you'll also learn how some small practical shifts can make a big difference in whether your relationship will succeed or fail over time.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 168 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host Alistair Dewes, and for over 30 years I have taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angasecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Okay, with that said, let's dive into today's topic.
Speaker A:Why Small moments can make or Break a Relationship so why do small moments have such a powerful impact on relationships?
Speaker A:And why is it that in some relationships a small comment or minor frustration is brushed off, while in others that same moment sparks irritation, defensiveness, or even a full blown argument?
Speaker A:Over the years, this is one of the most important concepts I've seen, both in my clinical work and in the research.
Speaker A:And it comes down to one central idea.
Speaker A:Most relationships are operating in one of two emotional states.
Speaker A:At any given time.
Speaker A:You're either in what psychologists call positive sentiment override or a negative sentiment override?
Speaker A:Now, these terms might sound technical, but but the idea behind them is actually very simple.
Speaker A:When a relationship is in positive sentiment, override the positive thoughts and feelings you have about your partner override the negative things they do.
Speaker A:You still notice their mistakes, you still get irritated sometimes, but you don't take things personally.
Speaker A:In the same way, your default assumption is something they're a good person, they didn't mean that, or there must be something else going on for them.
Speaker A:In contrast, when a relationship slips into negative sentiment override, the opposite happens.
Speaker A:The negative thoughts and feelings you hold about your partner begin to override everything Else, small things feel big, neutral comments feel loaded, and everyday moments are interpreted as signs of disrespect, indifference, or rejection.
Speaker A:And this is where relationships quietly start to unravel.
Speaker A:Because once a relationship is a negative sentiment override, small moments stop being small and start to erode the very foundation of the relationship.
Speaker A:Let me give you a simple example of these ideas that I've seen countless times.
Speaker A:Imagine a couple relaxing at home after a long day at work.
Speaker A:You came home late tonight.
Speaker A:In a relationship with positive sentiment override, that comment might be interpreted as maybe my partner missed spending time with me, or maybe they're feeling disconnected from me, or maybe even how can I respond here without escalating things?
Speaker A:But in a relationship with negative sentiment override, the exact same words might be heard.
Speaker A:They're always criticizing me, or nothing I do is ever good enough.
Speaker A:Or simply here we go again.
Speaker A:And in a relationship with negative sentiment override, a common emotional reaction follows.
Speaker A:Maybe defensiveness, maybe anger, maybe withdrawal, maybe escalation.
Speaker A:The same words started it, but they were heard with a very different meaning.
Speaker A:This is why I often say that relationships don't always fall apart during the big arguments.
Speaker A:They often fall apart during the small moments that come before them.
Speaker A:Moments where irritation replaces curiosity.
Speaker A:Moments where assumptions replace empathy.
Speaker A:Moments where emotional safety slowly erodes.
Speaker A:And if you're listening to this episode thinking, that sounds familiar, I want to say this.
Speaker A:There is nothing wrong with you.
Speaker A:This pattern develops gradually, often due to stress, work pressure, parenting, unresolved resentment, or ongoing anger issues.
Speaker A:The good news is that this pattern can be changed.
Speaker A:So how do you shift this pattern?
Speaker A:The key question here is how do we avoid conflict altogether?
Speaker A:Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship.
Speaker A:The real question is how do we keep our relationship in positive sentiment?
Speaker A:Override as often as possible.
Speaker A:And the most reliable way to do that is by strengthen the sense of friendship and goodwill between you and your partner.
Speaker A:When there is genuine liking, respect, and emotional safety in a relationship, small moments stay small.
Speaker A:But when that foundation weakens, small moments become dangerous.
Speaker A:Now let me leave you with three practical shifts that help keep relationships out of negative sentiment.
Speaker A:Override shift 1 let your partner influence you.
Speaker A:Healthy relationships aren't one sided.
Speaker A:When one person consistently feels unheard or overridden, resentment builds.
Speaker A:Letting your partner influence you doesn't mean giving up your values.
Speaker A:It means making room for their needs, preferences and perspectives to matter.
Speaker A:Shift 2 increase expressions of appreciation.
Speaker A:Negative interactions carry more emotional weight than positive ones.
Speaker A:That means appreciation has to be intentional.
Speaker A:Notice what your partner is doing right.
Speaker A:Say it out loud, often even small acknowledgments help rebalance the emotional tone of a relationship.
Speaker A:Shift 3 turn towards each other Turning towards your partner means responding even briefly, to bids for connection.
Speaker A:These can be a comment, a look, a shared moment.
Speaker A:These small acts of engagement build emotional safety over time and again.
Speaker A:Notice the theme here.
Speaker A:Small moments can make a big difference.
Speaker A:So remember, when your relationship feels tense, fragile, or reactive, it's rarely about one big issue.
Speaker A:It's usually about the emotional climate created by hundreds of small interactions over time.
Speaker A:Change the way those moments are handled and you can change the direction of the relationship.
Speaker A:Okay, thanks for listening to today's episode on why small moments can make or break a relationship.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast, and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to control their anger today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to control your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@angasecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier, and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
