Episode 138
138 - When Anger Costs You Everything: Gary's Story
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this powerful and deeply honest episode of the Anger Secrets Podcast, Alastair Duhs sits down with Gary — a recent participant of The Complete Anger Management System — to explore the painful realities of letting anger go unchecked for too long.
Gary opens up about the breakdown of his relationship, the guilt he carries and the critical moment he realised he needed to change — not just for his relationship, but for himself.
With raw vulnerability, Gary shares how enrolling in The Complete Anger Management System helped him transform not only how he handles anger, but how he shows up in every part of his life — as a man, a father, and a human being.
This is a conversation about regret, responsibility, and most importantly… hope.
Key Takeaways:
- Gary's journey shows that real anger change is possible, even after losing a relationship.
- Recognising one's own anger is crucial for personal growth and healthier relationships.
- The tools learned in anger management can help reduce anger significantly over time.
- It's important to be proactive about anger issues before they affect your life dramatically.
- Being vulnerable and sharing experiences can help both the sharer and the listener grow.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever looked back on something you said or did in anger and wished more than anything you could take it back?
Speaker A:Have you ever hurt someone you love not because you wanted to, but because in the heat of the moment, you just couldn't stop yourself?
Speaker A:If you've ever felt that kind of regret or shame or heartbreak, then today's episode is is for you.
Speaker A:Because today you're going to meet Gary, a courageous man who knows exactly what it means to carry those feelings and more importantly, what it means to transform them.
Speaker A:Gary didn't just talk about changing.
Speaker A:He did the work.
Speaker A:He took a hard, honest look at the role anger played in his life, the damage it caused, the silence it created, and made a decision that changed everything.
Speaker A:Even though it came too late to save his relationship.
Speaker A:Gary's story is one of strength, courage and hope.
Speaker A:In my conversation with him, Gary shares how enrolling in the complete anger management system helped him become calmer, clearer, and more in control, not just in his relationships, but in every part of his life.
Speaker A:Today's episode is a powerful, raw and honest episode.
Speaker A:If you're listening to this right now, it probably means that, like Gary, you are ready to make a change.
Speaker A:Hi there, I'm Alastair Duece, and you're listening to episode 138 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:If you're new here, welcome.
Speaker A:And if you've been tuning in for a while, I'm really glad you're back.
Speaker A:For over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 people control their anger, master their emotions, and build relationships that actually feel good again.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to control your anger, including a free training on how to control your anger in just seven days, head over to my website, angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat personally with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:With that said, let's dive into my interview with Gary.
Speaker B:So, welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker B:Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Speaker C:Hey, I'm 34.
Speaker C:I've been doing the anger management online course for about five and a half weeks now.
Speaker C:And at first I was pretty skeptical, like, it won't help me, won't do much, won't do much good with it, but it's probably the best decision that I've made for myself because I'm naturally an angry person and I don't want to be that person anymore.
Speaker C:I want to be a better version of myself and I've learned a lot of tools and techniques which in turn like have helped me scale back my anger significantly.
Speaker C:Like I'll find every time that I would normally get angry I'll find a reason to de escalate it using the tools especially like the tension scale, early warning signs and I guess the timeout.
Speaker C:Just removing myself from the situation because there's absolutely no reason to be angry anymore.
Speaker B:So what brought you to the course in the first place?
Speaker C:So I was going through a bit of stuff like broke up with my partner.
Speaker C:So that was difficult.
Speaker C:But something in me one day, I think it was that Thursday I just really needed to talk to someone like mentally I wasn't in a good place and cause it was so early in the morning.
Speaker C:I tried reaching out to all the hotlines and stuff and I just couldn't get through to any of them.
Speaker C:And I stumbled upon your quiz just online, filled that out, thought nothing of it, went to work and saw that I'd missed a phone call and a text from you.
Speaker C:And then I just took a chance really like I didn't want to normally I wouldn't, I'd just suck it up, move on, I just bottle it all up.
Speaker C:But yeah, it was pretty much the only message that I got wanting to talk about anger management.
Speaker C:So I just thought I'd give it a try.
Speaker C:It is probably the best decision that I've made for myself.
Speaker B:And are you able just to talk a bit about your anger issues in the past?
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:A lot of my anger was directed towards my ex partner because I held it at such a high regard.
Speaker C:Anything that she said to me that I got offended by, whether she embarrassed me or she'd say something that I got offended by, I'd just get angry and frustrated but I'd snap.
Speaker C:I've got a really short fuse and that's from just seeing what I saw growing up, especially with my parents.
Speaker C:A lot of that intergenerational trauma that I noticed in my parents relationship, I've carried that on into my own which wasn't good, especially the non communication thing.
Speaker C:Like I know that I wouldn't talk to her after we'd argue potentially for a day or two and then I know it's not healthy but at the time that's all I knew.
Speaker C:It was my normal, which isn't right, but neither's raising your voice, swearing at them, slamming doors, breaking stuff which I knew that I had an issue with but I didn't know how to go about it?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:How to do it differently.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Like, I didn't know what steps were necessary for me to make those changes to get the help that I needed.
Speaker C:Because she said to me one day, she said, you really need to sort out your anger management.
Speaker C:And then because it was one of the last arguments we actually had, and I said, all because I felt threatened and because I'm naturally a defensive person and I got offended by it.
Speaker C:That was my natural reaction.
Speaker C:What was just to start attacking.
Speaker C:And she didn't say anything.
Speaker C:And I said, look, I know my anger is an issue.
Speaker C:I don't think I'm going to do anything about it though, because I had a look and there were courses online and some of them were anywhere between two and a half to $5,000.
Speaker C:And I was like, realistically, I don't have the money for that, so I don't know how I'm going to go about it.
Speaker B:Sounds like you've had quite an extensive history around anger.
Speaker C:Yeah, like, it's very easy for me to get angry.
Speaker C:I used to consider myself a very happy person and so did my ex partner, but she said that, like, lately I've just become such an angry person and she doesn't know where it's from.
Speaker C:That's partly true.
Speaker C:Like, I think a lot of it is from my upbringing, but then as of late, like probably the last two and a half, three years, just work stress really.
Speaker C:But wanting to shield her from that because she was going through her own stuff and I didn't want to burden her with everything that I was going through.
Speaker C:So I thought I was doing her a favor.
Speaker C:But in all reality, I just take my anger out on her just because she's the only one that I could feel comfortable around and be myself and not have to pretend to be someone else who I wasn't.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Which that probably isn't a.
Speaker C:That's not right either.
Speaker C:That's not a good thing to do.
Speaker C:You pretty much used her as a verbal punching day.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Sounds very sad.
Speaker B:Sometimes we treat the ones we love the most the worst, right?
Speaker C:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker C:It's so bad.
Speaker C:Like, I regret what I did.
Speaker C:I can't take it back.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:And the impact this was having on your relationship?
Speaker C:Oh, significant one.
Speaker C:Like, obviously we're separated now.
Speaker C:Just going through the motions.
Speaker C:It's early stages now of like, just getting the house appraised to see whether or not she can buy me out or we just sell.
Speaker C:Which is a shame because I thought, like, maybe if I could, I guess, make the changes for myself, Then there's potentially we could reconcile.
Speaker C:But I think things are too far gone.
Speaker C:Like, I've caused a tremendous amount of hurt and pain, but like a lot of my anger.
Speaker C:And this doesn't excuse my anger or my actions.
Speaker C:I wasn't aware.
Speaker C:So there was like, what you say in your module, you can't really help yourself or make changes if you're not aware of your anger, which I.
Speaker C:Absolutely, I'm guilty of.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Hard coming to terms with that.
Speaker C:Like the realization of it all, knowing that I was a cause for my marriage to break down and cause her a world of pain, hurt and pain.
Speaker C:And also like, I'm the reason why she couldn't open up and talk to me and communicate to me because we'd just argue and then I'd get angry because she wouldn't communicate or talk to me.
Speaker C:But it was my fault that she couldn't because I'd just get angry and yell at it.
Speaker C:So it was like a circle.
Speaker C:We were just going round in circles and nothing was getting resolved.
Speaker C:So I guess, like you just become tired of it.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's a very vicious cycle over time.
Speaker C:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker C:Like, I didn't mean to treat her the way I did.
Speaker C:Like, a lot of it, I didn't realize what I was doing.
Speaker C:It's not good.
Speaker C:Still not good.
Speaker C:Like, I'm not making excuses for myself, but I guess I wish I had learned the early warning signs back then.
Speaker C:I'm sure a lot of people say when they join your online management course courses and stuff, it's that shoulda, coulda, woulda, wish, wish we had done it years ago when we were first told about it.
Speaker C:But it's good.
Speaker C:It's good that I'm doing it now a little bit too late.
Speaker C:So it's a bittersweet.
Speaker C:But I need to do it for myself, not anyone else.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So what was it like starting my online course at first?
Speaker C:I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit skeptical of it.
Speaker C:Just especially knowing that you can do the module at your own pace, you know?
Speaker C:Like, for me, I think I started doing it and into the early hours of the morning.
Speaker C:Cause I couldn't sleep.
Speaker C:So I just carry on with online course.
Speaker C:And it was pretty good.
Speaker C:Like, I struggle.
Speaker C:I have a short attention span and I struggle at times to keep focus.
Speaker C:So I even said to you when we had that phone call that I don't know if it would be right for me just because my attention span's pretty bad at times and having to fill out the worksheets in your own time.
Speaker C:But I guess if you're really committed to making the changes, then you commit the time to doing the course and doing it properly.
Speaker B:Yep.
Speaker B:And what do you think, like some of your biggest realizations have been so far in the course?
Speaker C:Definitely awareness.
Speaker C:Like I wasn't aware of my anger a lot of times.
Speaker C:Another big one for me was you create your anger.
Speaker C:Like I thought that other people were making me angry and that's why I'm angry.
Speaker C:It's your fault that I'm angry.
Speaker C:If you don't do what you're doing to me, I won't be angry.
Speaker C:We're in all honesty coming to the realization that I don't have to let what other people say or do to me affect me or me take it personally.
Speaker C:So I do become angry or frustrated or.
Speaker C:Or violent or anything like that, which was hard.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:A lot of the things that I learned about myself while doing the module, like I'm proud of doing, but I'm also ashamed for what I put my ex partner through.
Speaker C:Embarrassed how I treat her over the years.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker C:Like it's a.
Speaker C:It's definitely eye opening.
Speaker C:And if you're wanting to try and make these changes, there will be a lot of raw emotion that you'll feel.
Speaker C:And I think ever since I've started doing it, I've become angry and frustrated in myself that this is how I treat people because I don't want people to like, think that's the version of me that will always be.
Speaker C:Or I don't want it to be an everlasting legacy that like, oh, he's just an angry man.
Speaker C:He'll never change.
Speaker C:He'll always be like this.
Speaker C:I just want to be a better person, especially for myself because like, I know that in some relationships with family and that I do tend to push people away, especially if I don't get the result I want, which that also isn't healthy.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:And I, like, I don't want to burn bridges with a lot of people who like, I.
Speaker C:I obviously know that I need in my life or I want in my life as well.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And what's the version of yourself you're aiming for?
Speaker B:What are you trying to head towards first?
Speaker C:I want to go back to being happy more than known for being angry because I used to be very happy while I was with my ex partner.
Speaker C:I still thought I was happy.
Speaker C:She was the one that actually told me like after we broke up, we were talking and she goes, I really hope that you find your happiness again.
Speaker C:Because you were never this angry, which hurt to hear, but these are things that I need to hear.
Speaker C:I don't want people to, like, sugarcoat things or, like, wrap me up and bubble wrap because they're scared of, like, how I'd react.
Speaker C:I'd rather people tell me how it is than pretend that what I'm doing is okay or it doesn't affect them, because some people do that.
Speaker C:Like, I've got a fear of rejection.
Speaker C:And just people, like, especially growing up in my life, just not able to tell me how they really feel.
Speaker C:And I guess it gets frustrating.
Speaker C:And I carried that on into my relationship.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:But then also in saying that I wasn't able to communicate how I felt, which is a bit hypocritical when you think about it.
Speaker C:And, yeah, it's difficult.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's interesting.
Speaker B:And I guess when it comes to anger management, how much change do you think you've made so far?
Speaker C:Oh, I could almost tell you I'm a new person.
Speaker C:You know, I'm a completely different version from the old me.
Speaker C:Like, I definitely don't get angry anywhere near as much as what I do or what I used to.
Speaker C:Like, I.
Speaker C:I also, in some.
Speaker C:I sit there and think.
Speaker C:Some people who might be angry or just be, like, short and sharp with me, I think that they could be potentially going through some things so they're not necessarily like this.
Speaker C:So you give them the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker C:Which, before that, like the old me, I've just, you know, oh, what's his problem?
Speaker C:And then I'd get angry at him for absolutely no reason and not understand why I'm angry at him.
Speaker C:And then the two of us are just angry, like, all day because it's not a healthy way to be.
Speaker C:So, yeah, at times I still drop the ball.
Speaker C:Like, I say things that I don't mean, and then I regret them, but I can't take them back.
Speaker C:So it's still a learning curve.
Speaker C:Like, I'm not perfect.
Speaker C:I'm just trying to be a better person than I used to be.
Speaker B:Nice.
Speaker B:What advice would you give to someone who's listening to this podcast and maybe not sure if they have anger issues, but think maybe they do?
Speaker B:What kind of advice would you.
Speaker B:What do you give them?
Speaker C:If you think you have anger issues, you probably do.
Speaker C:And if your family or loved ones are trying to reach out to you to get the help you need, take that advice.
Speaker C:Because I didn't and cost me my marriage.
Speaker C:I'm full of regret.
Speaker C:Like, I'm using some of the Positive self talk that I've learned.
Speaker C:Like I, I implement that in my life almost daily because you got to remain calm, keep yourself level headed, don't be like me, not do anything about it, be proactive, don't be reactive because that's what I've done and it's the worst thing I could have done.
Speaker C:I can't go back and change the clocks and do all that type of stuff because then I probably wouldn't be the person who I'm trying to be now.
Speaker C:I don't think I would have committed to it as much as what I have now, which is hard to say because like it's a, it's affected my relationship.
Speaker C:But I don't want to say that.
Speaker C:I wouldn't have cut corners and then I would have potentially just done the bare minimum.
Speaker C:So then things went back the way they were and then I just reverted back to my old self.
Speaker C:And I think in a way that's what she was fearful of.
Speaker C:If things would be okay for a couple weeks or a couple months and then I'll just go back to being who I used to be.
Speaker C:But I'm like, I know now that using the tools that I've learned on the online course especially, I won't let that happen just because I've committed too much time to rework myself and because I'm committed to making the changes that I need to become a better person.
Speaker C:Also, the zooms that you have that everyone can join on a Monday, I really look forward to that because I like to listen to other people's perspectives on stuff that they're going through because I guess in a way we all relate.
Speaker C:I like to share my experiences just so other people, if they're too shy to say something about it, then me being vulnerable can help them as well as myself.
Speaker C:Because a lot of things that I share is really good for me to get it off my chest and stop bottling things up because that is a big problem for me.
Speaker C:I'm not one to share.
Speaker C:I'm a pretty private person, especially around like friends and family a lot.
Speaker C:Don't know many things that go on and especially in my life because I don't like to share.
Speaker C:But then I'm finding out a lot of things on your course that, that are also not just anger management, especially the childhood stuff and the patterns from my childhood learning all about that.
Speaker C:Yeah, it's good that I'm like learning about it but at the same time I guess it's opening up old wounds.
Speaker C:But it's necessary I think it's really necessary for me especially so then I can grow from, like, from everything, I guess, 100%.
Speaker B:Thank you for that.
Speaker B:And last question, is there anything else you'd like to say?
Speaker C:Yeah, just back onto.
Speaker C:For people who are skeptical about doing it, like, that's absolutely what I was.
Speaker C:But if you give it a chance, it'll probably be one of the best things you'll ever do.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:To begin with, I just want to take a moment to thank Gary not just for sharing his story, but for the honesty, the vulnerability, and the strength it took to tell it.
Speaker A:As you heard, Gary didn't find anger management when everything in his life was going smoothly.
Speaker A:He found it when things had already fallen apart.
Speaker A:But instead of giving up, he stepped up.
Speaker A:He faced his patterns, he did the work.
Speaker A:And even though he couldn't save the relationship he once had, he's now showing up in the world and for himself in a completely new way.
Speaker A:That's what real change looks like.
Speaker A:If Gary's story resonated with you, if you saw yourself in anything he shared, please don't wait until things fall apart to make a change.
Speaker A:Visit angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:We'll talk about where you're at, what's been holding you back, and how you can begin your own transformation.
Speaker A:Just like Gary did.
Speaker A:Because anger doesn't have to define you.
Speaker A:You can learn to control it.
Speaker A:You can rebuild trust, respect and connection.
Speaker A:And it's never too late to start.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode when anger costs you everything.
Speaker A:Gary's story.
Speaker A:If this was helpful for you, hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact nudge someone else needs right now.
Speaker A:And remember, if you want a free training on how to control your anger in seven days or a chance to chat one on one with me, just head over to angersecrets.com there's a free 30 minute call you can book.
Speaker A:No pressure, just a genuine conversation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to get serious about changing how you show up in your relationship, take a look at the complete anger management system@AngerSecrets.com course.
Speaker A:I'd love to help you once and for all.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control what other people say or do, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Your tone, your choices, and how you respond to others.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lives.
Speaker A:Take care of and I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker D:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
