Episode 137
138 - Four Behaviors That Will End Your Marriage
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives into four key behaviors that lead to the end of marriages, based on research by Dr. John Gottman. Alastair discusses how these behaviors often creep in unnoticed, slowly eroding trust and connection in relationships.
He emphasises that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are crucial patterns to recognise. Each behavior has its antidote, which can help partners communicate better and rebuild their relationship.
By addressing these issues, couples can create a more loving and respectful connection.
Key Takeaways:
- Arguments can often lead to silence, creating distance in relationships.
- Small patterns in communication can gradually erode trust and love over time.
- The importance of addressing negative behaviors before they cause serious damage.
- Four key behaviors that can predict divorce and how to counteract each one.
- Criticism can create resentment, and gentle communication is a better approach.
- By recognising harmful patterns, you can change the direction of your relationship.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument with your partner?
Speaker A:And how did we get here?
Speaker A:Or maybe it's not even arguments anymore.
Speaker A:Maybe it's just silence.
Speaker A:You and your partner don't fight, but you don't laugh like you used to either.
Speaker A:In fact, you barely talk.
Speaker A:You feel more like flatmates than a couple.
Speaker A:It's sad, but it happens all the time.
Speaker A:And if this hits close to home, don't worry.
Speaker A:Keep listening.
Speaker A:Because most relationships don't fall apart in one big dramatic moment, they erode quietly, slowly.
Speaker A:And because of a few patterns that on the surface may not even seem like a big deal.
Speaker A:But over time, they chip away at trust, at connection, at love.
Speaker A:So today I want to walk you through the four behaviours that, according to research, are the biggest predictors of divorce.
Speaker A:And more importantly, I'll show you how to stop them before they do any more damage.
Speaker A:Hi there, I'm Alastair Duse and you're listening to the Anger Secrets podcast, episode 137.
Speaker A:If you're new here, welcome.
Speaker A:And if you've been tuning in for a while, I'm really glad you're back.
Speaker A:For over 30 years now, I've helped more than 15,000 people learn how to control their anger, master their emotions and build relationships that actually feel good again.
Speaker A:And if you want a bit of extra help with that, just head over to angersecrets.com there's a free training there and you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me if you'd like to chat.
Speaker A:With that said, let's dive into today's episode, the Four Behaviours that End Marriages.
Speaker A:To begin, it's important to understand that the behaviours we're talking about were identified by Dr.
Speaker A:John Gottman, one of the top relationship researchers in the world.
Speaker A:He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Speaker A:And once they show up in a relationship, things can unravel fast if they're not addressed.
Speaker A:Let's walk through each one.
Speaker A:Horseman number one is criticism.
Speaker A:This is where it often starts.
Speaker A:Not with yelling or screaming, but with those little jabs that sound like feedback but land like an attack.
Speaker A:Criticism sounds like you never help with anything around the house or you're always so selfish.
Speaker A:These types of statements attack a person's character and makes the other person feel defensive, causing tension and resentment in the relationship.
Speaker A:Not surprisingly, criticism is doesn't get you what you need and only builds resentment.
Speaker A:Horseman number two is contempt.
Speaker A:This one is particularly brutal.
Speaker A:Contempt is when things cross the line into sarcasm.
Speaker A:Mockery eye rolls, even disgust.
Speaker A:Contempt says you're beneath me.
Speaker A:It sounds like, I can't believe you're still this clueless.
Speaker A:Or that sigh, that scoff, that condescending smirk.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.
Speaker A:Because once contempt shows up, emotional safety disappears.
Speaker A:Horseman number three is defensiveness.
Speaker A:Now, this one's sneaky.
Speaker A:You feel attacked, so you defend yourself.
Speaker A:Makes sense, right?
Speaker A:But the problem is defensiveness shifts blame.
Speaker A:Defensiveness sounds well, I only acted that way because you were being unreasonable or it's not my fault.
Speaker A:If you just told me what you wanted, I'd have done it.
Speaker A:Defensiveness feels like protecting yourself, but it blocks accountability.
Speaker A:And when no one's taking responsibility, nothing gets solved.
Speaker A:Finally, horseman number four is stonewalling.
Speaker A:Stonewalling is when you shut down.
Speaker A:You stop responding, you walk out, you go cold.
Speaker A:Now, maybe you do it to avoid a fight, maybe you're overwhelmed and trying to keep the peace.
Speaker A:But to your partner, it feels like abandonment, like they're reaching out in the middle of a storm and you've just turned your back.
Speaker A:So stonewalling doesn't stop conflict, it creates distance.
Speaker A:Now, if you've noticed any of these behaviors in your relationship, don't panic.
Speaker A:You're not broken.
Speaker A:Your relationship isn't doomed.
Speaker A:These patterns are common, and the good news is each one has an antidote.
Speaker A:Let's go through them.
Speaker A:The antidote to criticism is gentle startup.
Speaker A:If you feel the urge to criticize your partner, drop the blame and reframe your concerns in a way that focuses on your feelings and needs.
Speaker A:So instead of attacking who your partner is, express what's going on for you.
Speaker A:For example, instead of saying you never help with anything around the house, say, I feel overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities.
Speaker A:Can we discuss how we can divide them more evenly?
Speaker A:This avoids attacking your partner and opens a door to finding a solution together.
Speaker A:The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation.
Speaker A:Contempt involves showing disrespect and superiority towards your partner.
Speaker A:To counteract this toxic behaviour, show appreciation for your partner regularly.
Speaker A:This means acknowledging their efforts, expressing gratitude for their positive traits, and recognizing their contributions in the relationship.
Speaker A:Do this by saying thank you.
Speaker A:Notice the small stuff.
Speaker A:Point out what they're doing right even when you're frustrated.
Speaker A:Contempt can't survive in a space full of gratitude.
Speaker A:Next, the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your actions.
Speaker A:Instead of constantly shifting the blame onto your partner, take ownership of your mistakes and work towards finding a solution together.
Speaker A:Practice saying you're right, I didn't follow through.
Speaker A:I can see how that upset you or I'm sorry I didn't communicate clearly.
Speaker A:Let's try to find a better way to approach this next time.
Speaker A:This shows your partner that you value their feelings and are willing to work together towards a resolution.
Speaker A:Finally, the antidote to stonewalling is to learn to self soothe.
Speaker A:This means taking a break from the conversation when things become too heated or overwhelming.
Speaker A:During this break, take some time to calm down and reflect on your own feelings and thoughts.
Speaker A:This can include taking deep breaths, going for a walk, or engaging in a calming activity like meditation or yoga.
Speaker A:Once you feel calmer and more centered, you can return to the conversation with a clearer mindset and better ability to communicate effectively.
Speaker A:By practicing these skills, you can create a healthier and stronger relationship built on effective communication, mutual understanding, and respect.
Speaker A:And remember, relationships don't fall apart because people stop loving each other.
Speaker A:They often fall apart because of how that love gets expressed when things get hard.
Speaker A:But if you can spot these patterns and interrupt them, you can change the entire direction of your relationship.
Speaker A:You can build something that's not just karma, but closer.
Speaker A:Something that feels safe again, loving again, and real again.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:The four Behaviors that End Marriages if this was helpful for you, hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact nudge someone else needs right now.
Speaker A:And remember, if you want free training or a chance to chat one on one with me, just head over to angersecrets.com There's a free call you can book.
Speaker A:No pressure, just a genuine conversation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to get serious about changing how you show up in your relationship, take a look at the complete anger management system@AngerSecrets.com course.
Speaker A:I'd love to help.
Speaker A:One final thought before I go you can't control what your partner says or does or feels, but you can control you your tone, your choices and your responses.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lives.
Speaker A:Take care and I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
