Episode 125
125 - The Anger Volcano: John's Journey Of Healing
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
John's story is all about facing anger head-on and finding a way to control it. In this episode of the Anger Secrets podcast, he describes his anger like a volcano, always ready to explode at any moment.
John shares how he learned to confront the roots of his anger and the tools he used to change his behavior. His journey shows that anger often hides deeper issues, and by tackling those, you can build a calmer, happier life and improve your relationships.
If anger is a struggle for you or someone you know, this episode is a must-listen!
Key Takeaways:
- John described his anger as a volcano that kept building up and eventually exploded.
- He realised that his anger was not just a habit, but was ruining his life.
- By confronting his anger, John started to uncover deeper issues like fear and insecurity.
- John learned to slow down and think through his feelings instead of reacting with anger.
- After working on his anger issues, John noticed he could connect better with his partner.
- John's journey shows that addressing anger can lead to healing and deeper relationships.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever felt like a volcano bubbling beneath the surface?
Speaker A:Knowing that just one wrong word or moment could make you explode?
Speaker A:For John, that volcano wasn't just a metaphor, it was his reality.
Speaker A:John struggled to contain his anger for years, feeling it rise in his chest during even the smallest disagreements.
Speaker A:No matter how hard he tried to control it, his anger would often erupt, hurting the people he loved most and leaving him filled with guilt and regret.
Speaker A:But one day, everything changed.
Speaker A:Standing in a crowded airport, his anger erupted so fiercely that it felt like an out of body experience.
Speaker A:As his partner cried, broken by his words, John realised his anger was no longer just a bad habit, it was tearing his life apart.
Speaker A:Today, John shares his powerful journey from feeling controlled by his anger to finally taking control of it.
Speaker A:He'll reveal how he confronted his past, including the deep rooted beliefs that fueled his rage and the life changing tools that helped him break free from the cycle of anger.
Speaker A:If you've ever lashed out in anger at someone you love or felt ashamed of your anger, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 125 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes.
Speaker A:Over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions and build calmer, happier and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I share some of the same powerful tools and techniques that have helped my clients transform their lives.
Speaker A:For free support on your anger management journey, including a free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com I'd be honoured to support you in taking control of your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Now let's jump into today's episode, the Anger John's journey of healing.
Speaker B:So welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker B:Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Speaker C:I'm a 54 year old male, live in the eastern part of the United States.
Speaker C:Always considered myself a happy person, driven, focused on achieving goals.
Speaker C:But over the course of the last couple years with some relationship issues, started to look deeper, realized had some personality traits that weren't the greatest that I've carried with me for a long, long time.
Speaker C:I kind of describe it as having two versions of myself, the happy version that was giving to people, seeing people smile, helping people, and then the other side of me that stole people's energy, stole their time, sold their commitment, and that other side also had a very angry side to him that would express that anger and frustration.
Speaker C:You know, it was mental abuse, you know Sometimes my partner would sit on my lap, I pushed her off my lap.
Speaker C:So it even bordered on physical abuse.
Speaker C:So, you know, realizing all that, realized I had some serious anger issues that needed to be dealt with.
Speaker C:And that's found the podcast.
Speaker C:Just searching for anger management in the Apple iTunes store and been listening for about 14 months now.
Speaker B:Okay, thank you.
Speaker B:So, I mean, was there a specific incident that made you reach out for help?
Speaker C:Not one in particular.
Speaker C:It's just a multitude of events over the last couple years.
Speaker C:But honestly, my whole life of I call it coming unhinged.
Speaker C:I describe it like a volcano, just feeling like a volcano that's exploding.
Speaker C:My partner and I were traveling and we had an episode that started before we got to the airport.
Speaker C:And in the middle of a crowded airport, I just lost it and, you know, said a lot of verbally abusive things, a lot of hurtful things that, you know, I look back and it just makes me want to run.
Speaker C:It makes me want to run a high because it's very embarrassing.
Speaker C:But after that, you know, like I said, it just felt like this volcano erupting and it was almost like it was an out of body experience.
Speaker C:Like I couldn't stop the verbal lashing, the aggressive tone, you know, being three inches from her face, being red and just, you know, she was just crying and I couldn't escape the anger to help her in that moment.
Speaker C:It was all about this anger that was controlling me.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:It must have been extremely distressing for you both.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:So you been listening to the podcast for a while and then you decided to enroll in the complete anger management system course.
Speaker B:How has studying that course been for you?
Speaker C:It's absolutely been great.
Speaker C:You know, looking at the tension scale, realizing, you know, that most days I'm walking around sometimes three to four because of my thoughts, you know, reoccurring thoughts that I have either, you know, mostly about myself, of how I showed up, you know, the etfa, of changing the thoughts.
Speaker C:That that's really was struck me, you know, cause events are gonna happen, things are gonna happen, people are gonna say something.
Speaker C:And, you know, knowing that I might not be able to change the first thought that hits me, but then I can slow down and go, okay, think through this so I can get to the true feelings of what's going on.
Speaker C:I've discovered in my journey that I'm defensive because of a, a lack of inner security at certain times and I feel the need to defend myself.
Speaker C:So slowing down with that thought of going, okay, well, all right, I feel I need to Defend myself?
Speaker C:Why?
Speaker C:Okay, it was just partner said something that I didn't like, or she's just holding me accountable for what I've done, or she's commenting on what she think I might do based off of what I've done in the past.
Speaker C:There's no reason that I need to defend myself to have a conversation with her because that's not going to get either of us anywhere.
Speaker C:We're just going to go around and around and around and I'm going to escalate.
Speaker C:She potentially is going to escalate.
Speaker C:There's not going to be any coming together to conquer the problem that she's brought to me.
Speaker B:Yeah, I mean, that's extremely powerful stuff.
Speaker B:So how much change would you say you've made in the last, say, four to six weeks?
Speaker C:I would say I've made a great, great amount of change.
Speaker C:Understanding the anger, where it comes from, things that I can do to control it, change it.
Speaker B:Has anyone like your partner seen changes in you so far?
Speaker C:Yes, she's acknowledged change.
Speaker C:She said, you know, you're calmer, you've done better.
Speaker C:We're able to talk more deeply about the issues.
Speaker C:What she's looking for is empathy and remorse for what I've done over the last couple years to our relationship.
Speaker C:That's what she's needing, that's what she's wanting.
Speaker C:Removing this anger is helping me get there.
Speaker B:You were talking about witnessing anger and abuse growing up.
Speaker B:Could you just say a bit about that?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:So I had an older brother that had some challenges growing up and was in trouble with the law and some substance abuse.
Speaker C:So the way that it was dealt with in the home was through verbal assaults of yelling at him, telling him by my father to get his act together, also through physical beatings.
Speaker C:You know, when my dad reached a point where he just couldn't take it anymore.
Speaker C:So for years, I would kind of laugh and go, yeah, you know, I witnessed this.
Speaker C:And that's not right.
Speaker C:That's not the way you support someone.
Speaker C:But I carried those patterns into my adulthood and my close relationships.
Speaker C:You know, when I was tested or held accountable or it was tough emotionally, I would get verbally abusive, I would yell, I would blame, would not be soft, kind, compassionate.
Speaker C:You know, all that, all those went out the window.
Speaker C:And it's like, this is what you do when you're angry.
Speaker C:You scream, you yell, you kick, you throw, you punch walls, you.
Speaker C:You remove yourself.
Speaker C:You go for a drive for a couple hours, and then you just never talk about it ever again.
Speaker B:What do you Think about that now.
Speaker C:I know it was very destructive.
Speaker C:I know my brother felt like he didn't have support.
Speaker C:You know, my brother did not choose to have the issues that he did.
Speaker C:And he just wanted to be loved and supported.
Speaker C:And I knew that he did not feel love and support from our caregivers.
Speaker C:And obviously me carrying it into adulthood, thinking that's normal.
Speaker C:It makes me sad to think about it, you know, thinking that being aggressive when really the anger.
Speaker C:In most of my cases, anger was just heightened.
Speaker C:Either sadness or issues I had internally with either self esteem or just going through a period of low confidence.
Speaker C:And instead of attaching myself to those feelings and working through them, I typically would be angry with myself or I would lash out with anger.
Speaker B:Yeah, super common.
Speaker B:Do you feel you're getting better at getting in touch with those other feelings underneath the anger?
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker C:The ETFA approach of taking an event, looking at my thoughts, really processing why I'm feeling that.
Speaker C:And, you know, a lot of my muscle memory still to that defend, deflect, get loud, get abusive.
Speaker C:So I slow myself down and I go, okay, why am I feeling that I need to defend myself?
Speaker C:Why do I have this urge to get loud?
Speaker C:And just rephrasing that thought of going, okay, my partner thought me about something I did that hurt her.
Speaker C:You know, there.
Speaker C:There's the event.
Speaker C:You know, my thoughts are, my God, I feel bad for hurting her.
Speaker C:Versus before I would go, why is she bringing us up?
Speaker C:I've already talked about this 20 times.
Speaker C:I thought she was over this, not realizing that, hey, she's had a memory of something.
Speaker C:My thoughts are, now she's hurting.
Speaker C:Let me reach out to her because I feel bad because she's hurting.
Speaker C:I really gotta still be there for her.
Speaker C:So, you know, it's obviously, it's changed my axle for me.
Speaker C:They're gone.
Speaker C:Hey, we talked about this 20 times.
Speaker C:I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Speaker C:To, hey, all right, let's dig deeper into this.
Speaker C:Let's see if we can heal a little bit more from this today.
Speaker C:Yeah, heal is such a good word versus thinking.
Speaker C:We talked about it once.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:Which is convenient for you, but maybe not so much for her.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What do you reckon the impact on her is of these changes so far?
Speaker C:We're able to talk deeper on the different topics, the different events that where I've hurt her or different times in our relationship where, you know, the outside world was pushing against us.
Speaker C:I think the healing for both of us is going to move quicker now because it's not this, hey, you hurt me.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And I'm instantly in defensive mode.
Speaker C:So it's been very helpful that she's been there to sort of help me as well.
Speaker C:And, you know, and I know she wouldn't be willing to help if I was still in just the old defend, last defend lash.
Speaker C:You know, you have to get over this.
Speaker C:I know she's probably starting to feel like, okay, we.
Speaker C:We're actually a team in addressing this old pain.
Speaker B:So, really aware that you've been dealing with this anger issue for a long time.
Speaker B:You were listening to the podcast for quite a while before reaching out.
Speaker B:How easy or hard was it for you to reach out to me for help?
Speaker C:Um, it was very easy.
Speaker C:You know, once I was honest with myself that I have an anger issue, you know, once I've realized that this is not the way I want to act, this is probably not how someone would act in a loving relationship.
Speaker C:So, you know, that's what I want to model.
Speaker B:That's great.
Speaker B:And what would you say the difference between the podcast and the course is?
Speaker C:Obviously the course, you're more engaged.
Speaker C:You're.
Speaker C:You're thinking, doing the worksheets.
Speaker C:You know, you're digging.
Speaker C:I find myself digging deeper into myself.
Speaker C:You know, the podcast I'll listen to as I drive throughout the day, and obviously the course, I'm doing it at home, sitting down at desk.
Speaker C:I'm not driving.
Speaker C:I'm focused on that.
Speaker C:You know, the podcast is kind of reassuring because you go, okay, not the only one.
Speaker C:Not that I really thought I was the only one.
Speaker C:But you hear similar stories of people that are having the same patterns.
Speaker C:It obviously gives you hope that you can make the change.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Nice.
Speaker B:So what would you say to someone who is listening to this podcast interview and thinking about doing the course?
Speaker C:I would say, sign up today.
Speaker C:You know, you and I talked, and then I signed up maybe six months later after our first initial call, thinking that working with a general therapist on just, you know, different issues would get me there, and also thinking, I want to change, so change will happen when not having a roadmap.
Speaker C:And the course is a perfect roadmap, you know, I would have gotten there one day.
Speaker C:I potentially could have, but it could have been a year or two in general therapy, and I wouldn't wait another day.
Speaker C:And I wish I had signed up first time we talked.
Speaker B:Nice.
Speaker B:Good to hear.
Speaker B:And anything else you'd like to say?
Speaker C:The support from the program is great.
Speaker C:The support group calls are.
Speaker C:Are helpful as well.
Speaker C:Like I said, you get in there, you can hear how other people are using the course.
Speaker C:But your support there and guiding us is great.
Speaker C:Yeah, I can't say enough good things about it for anyone that's dealing with, even if their anger is not as high as, you know, me, we're exploding like a volcano.
Speaker C:Just, you know, everyone says anger is a healthy emotion and that's, that's my destination to when anger does arise in me, I can, I have the skills and the tools to use in a healthy way and not in a destructive way.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I want to thank John for sharing his powerful story with us.
Speaker A:Listening to John describe his anger as like a volcano that would build up and explode uncontrollably is something I know many people relate to.
Speaker A:If you've ever felt like that, I want you to know you're not alone.
Speaker A:John's willingness to confront his anger is truly inspiring.
Speaker A:It is never easy to face the truth about oneself, especially especially when it's tied to moments or events you're not proud of.
Speaker A:John's story also beautifully illustrates something crucial.
Speaker A:Anger is often the symptom, not the root cause, of issues.
Speaker A:Beneath the outbursts and the yelling lies a more profound struggle, whether it's unresolved hurt, fear, insecurity, or as John shared defense mechanisms learned from his past.
Speaker A:By acknowledging this, John took the first and most essential step toward healing.
Speaker A:This is not an immediate process, but after just a few weeks in the complete anger management system, John is well on his way to a calmer, happier and more peaceful life.
Speaker A:Finally, it is worth noting that by addressing his anger, John didn't just improve his life, he created a space for healing, deeper connection and empathy with all those around him.
Speaker A:This is the ripple effect of controlling your anger.
Speaker A:It doesn't just change your life, it transforms the lives of everyone you love.
Speaker A:Okay, that's all for today's episode.
Speaker A:I hope you found value in John's story and the insights we shared.
Speaker A:If you found this episode helpful, please follow this podcast.
Speaker A:Head to your favourite podcast app and leave a rating and review.
Speaker A:This will help other people struggling with anger find and benefit from this show.
Speaker A:Remember, for free support on your anger management journey, including free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website and angersecrets.com or if you would like to control your anger once and for all, visit angersecrets.com course to learn more about the complete anger management system.
Speaker A:I look forward to helping you control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker D:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker D:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker D:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
