116 - How To Stop Getting Angry

Alistair: 00:00:01

Have you ever said or done something in anger that you've instantly regretted?

Alistair: 00:00:06

Maybe you yelled at your partner, snapped at your kids, or even lashed out at a stranger and later thought, why did I let myself lose control like that?

Alistair: 00:00:18

Or maybe your anger simmers.

Alistair: 00:00:20

You hold it inside, replaying conversations in your mind, feeling frustration growing until it spills over at the worst possible moment.

Alistair: 00:00:30

If you've ever felt trapped by your anger, you're not alone.

Alistair: 00:00:34

Anger can feel like a reflex, a force of nature that you can't stop.

Alistair: 00:00:40

But here's the good news.

Alistair: 00:00:41

It doesn't have to be this way.

Alistair: 00:00:44

What if I told you there's a way to control anger before it controls you?

Alistair: 00:00:49

A way to stay calm even in the most frustrating situations?

Alistair: 00:00:54

In today's episode of the Anger Secrets podcast, I will discuss exactly how to do that.

Alistair: 00:01:01

We'll explore what triggers your anger, how to recognize it before it boils over, and three simple steps to control your anger, no matter what life throws your way.

Alistair: 00:01:14

Hello and welcome to episode 116 of the Anger Secrets podcast.

Alistair: 00:01:19

Alistair I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more respectful relationships.

Alistair: 00:01:34

In this podcast, I share some of the same powerful tools and techniques that have helped my clients transform their lives.

Alistair: 00:01:43

For free support on your anger management journey, including a free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com I'd be honored to support you in taking control of your anger once and for all.

Alistair: 00:02:03

Now let's jump into today's episode, how to Stop Getting Angry.

Alistair: 00:02:09

To begin with, let's break down how to control your anger into three simple but transformative steps that will help you regain control of your emotions no matter what situation you are in.

Alistair: 00:02:22

These steps aren't just concepts.

Alistair: 00:02:25

They are practical, actionable strategies that you can use today.

Alistair: 00:02:30

Step one is to become aware when you are feeling angry.

Alistair: 00:02:34

The first and most crucial step to controlling your anger is awareness you can't control what you are not aware of.

Alistair: 00:02:44

Anger never comes out of nowhere.

Alistair: 00:02:46

It builds sometimes slowly and sometimes rapidly.

Alistair: 00:02:51

In either case, however, there are always signs in your body, your thoughts, or your emotions that warn you anger is on its way.

Alistair: 00:03:01

Let's start with your physical early warning signs of Anger have you ever noticed how your heart starts to race when someone cuts you off in traffic?

Alistair: 00:03:11

Or how your jaw clenches when your partner interrupts you?

Alistair: 00:03:16

These physical sensations are your body's early warning system.

Alistair: 00:03:21

Here are some common physical early warning signs of anger to watch A racing heart or shortness of breath Tension in your shoulders, neck or jaw Clenched fists or grinding teeth A churning feeling in your stomach or a tightness in your chest now let's talk about your emotional early warning signs of anger.

Alistair: 00:03:47

Before anger takes over, you might feel frustrated, irritated or even powerless.

Alistair: 00:03:53

Pay attention to these feelings.

Alistair: 00:03:55

They're the red flags that your anger is building.

Alistair: 00:04:00

Some common emotional early warning signs of anger Feeling tense or on edge Thoughts of revenge or wanting to lash out Difficulty concentrating or feeling overwhelmed A sense of injustice or unfairness finally, your thoughts can tell you that your anger is bubbling underneath the surface.

Alistair: 00:04:24

You might have critical, negative or judgmental thoughts about others.

Alistair: 00:04:28

Or you might start catastrophizing and imagining worst case scenarios.

Alistair: 00:04:34

Here are some common thinking early warning signs of anger Blaming others for your problems or feeling victimised Jumping to conclusions without or the facts using always or never statements for example, you always do this to me or I can never rely on you feeling like others are trying to control you.

Alistair: 00:04:59

Now that you know what to look for, practice tuning in and becoming aware of your early warning signs of anger.

Alistair: 00:05:06

The more you do this, the easier it will become and the better equipped you'll be to stop anger before it takes over.

Alistair: 00:05:15

Step two to control your anger is recognizing that your thoughts create your anger.

Alistair: 00:05:22

Here's a profound truth about anger that can change your life.

Alistair: 00:05:26

Your thoughts create your emotions, including anger.

Alistair: 00:05:30

It's not what happens to you that makes you angry.

Alistair: 00:05:33

It's how you interpret and react to these events.

Alistair: 00:05:38

Let me give you an example.

Alistair: 00:05:40

Imagine your partner forgets your birthday.

Alistair: 00:05:43

Your initial thought might be they don't care about me.

Alistair: 00:05:47

This thought creates feelings of hurt, sadness or even anger.

Alistair: 00:05:52

But is this thought true?

Alistair: 00:05:54

Or is it possible your partner was stressed, distracted or simply forgot?

Alistair: 00:06:00

You give away your power when you blame external events for your anger.

Alistair: 00:06:05

But when you recognize that your thoughts create your anger, you can start to change them.

Alistair: 00:06:11

This doesn't mean ignoring or suppressing your emotions.

Alistair: 00:06:15

It means taking responsibility for them and choosing more helpful thoughts.

Alistair: 00:06:20

Here are some simple questions to ask yourself when you notice your anger building.

Alistair: 00:06:26

What am I thinking right now?

Alistair: 00:06:29

Is this thought helping me or hurting me?

Alistair: 00:06:33

Is there another way to view the situation?

Alistair: 00:06:36

For example, in traffic, instead of thinking they cut me off because they're a terrible person, think maybe they're in a hurry or didn't see me or at home, instead of thinking my partner doesn't care about me, think I need to talk to them about how I feel Changing your thoughts isn't about letting others off the hook.

Alistair: 00:06:59

It's about taking control of your emotions.

Alistair: 00:07:02

When you change your perspective, you change your response.

Alistair: 00:07:07

Step 3 To control your anger is to communicate calmly and respectfully.

Alistair: 00:07:13

Once you've become aware of your anger and recognize that your thoughts drive it, the next step is to express your feelings calmly and respectfully.

Alistair: 00:07:23

This is especially important in relationships where miscommunication can turn small issues into big arguments.

Alistair: 00:07:31

Here are some simple tips as to how to do this.

Alistair: 00:07:35

Tip one is to pause before you speak.

Alistair: 00:07:39

When you are angry, your first impulse might be to snap, shout, or say something hurtful.

Alistair: 00:07:45

Just don't do this.

Alistair: 00:07:47

Take a breath, count to 10, or step away for a moment.

Alistair: 00:07:52

Pausing before you say anything gives you the space to think before you act.

Alistair: 00:07:58

Tip two is to use I statements.

Alistair: 00:08:01

Instead of blaming the other person, focus on how you feel and what you need.

Alistair: 00:08:07

For example, I statements focus the conversation on your feelings without putting the other person on the defensive.

Alistair: 00:08:15

Instead of saying, you never listen to me, say I feel unheard when I'm interrupted and I'd like us to work on that.

Alistair: 00:08:24

Or instead of saying you always forget our plans, say I feel frustrated when our plans are overlooked and I'd appreciate more communication.

Alistair: 00:08:36

Tip three is to stay focused on the issue at hand.

Alistair: 00:08:40

When you are angry, it's easy to bring up past hurts and grievances.

Alistair: 00:08:45

This only escalates the situation and makes it harder to find a resolution.

Alistair: 00:08:51

Stick to the specific issue at hand and avoid bringing up unrelated issues.

Alistair: 00:08:57

Tip four is to listen to understand, not to respond.

Alistair: 00:09:02

Anger often clouds your ability to understand the other person.

Alistair: 00:09:07

Practise active listening by giving them your full attention, asking clarifying questions, and acknowledging their perspective.

Alistair: 00:09:15

Avoid the temptation to interrupt or defend yourself.

Alistair: 00:09:20

Tip five is to take a time out if needed.

Alistair: 00:09:23

If a conversation becomes too heated, it's okay to take a break and revisit the discussion when you're both calmed down.

Alistair: 00:09:31

This can prevent you saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment and allows for more productive conversations.

Alistair: 00:09:39

Communicating calmly and respectfully allows you to express your feelings without anger escalating into full blown arguments.

Alistair: 00:09:49

Remember, healthy communication is key to managing your anger effectively.

Alistair: 00:09:54

To help understand how these concepts apply in practice, let's consider an example.

Alistair: 00:10:01

Imagine your partner leaves their dirty dishes in the sink again, even though you've asked them not to.

Alistair: 00:10:08

You feel your anger rising, your fists clench, your chest tightens, and you think, they never respect me.

Alistair: 00:10:16

Here's how to apply the three steps discussed in this podcast episode.

Alistair: 00:10:22

Step one is to become aware of your anger.

Alistair: 00:10:26

Notice your physical early warning signs of anger, your emotions and your thoughts.

Alistair: 00:10:32

Acknowledge that you're feeling angry and pause before reacting.

Alistair: 00:10:38

Step two is to recognise your thoughts.

Alistair: 00:10:41

Challenge the idea in your head that your partner is deliberately disrespecting you.

Alistair: 00:10:46

Maybe they forgot or were busy.

Alistair: 00:10:50

Step three is to communicate calmly instead of shouting or yelling.

Alistair: 00:10:54

Say I feel frustrated when dishes are left in the sink because it makes me feel like my efforts aren't valued.

Alistair: 00:11:02

Can we agree to clean up after meals?

Alistair: 00:11:06

By following these three steps, you've turned a potential blow up into a productive conversation and strengthened your relationship in the process.

Alistair: 00:11:16

Okay, thank you for tuning in to today's episode.

Alistair: 00:11:20

How to Stop Getting Angry.

Alistair: 00:11:22

If you found this episode helpful, please follow this podcast and head over to your favourite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.

Alistair: 00:11:31

This helps other people struggling with anger to find and benefit from this show.

Alistair: 00:11:36

Remember too, for free support on your anger management journey, including a free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, anger secrets.com or if you'd like to control your anger once and for all, visit angersecrets.com course to learn more about my powerful online coaching program, the Complete Anger Management System.

Alistair: 00:12:04

I look forward to helping you control your anger once and for all.

Alistair: 00:12:09

Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Alistair: 00:12:15

I'll see you in the next episode.

Alistair: 00:12:17

Take care.

Speaker B: 00:12:19

The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

Speaker B: 00:12:28

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

Speaker B: 00:12:32

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.