Episode 117
117 - When Anger Controls Your Life, Here's How to Take It Back
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
When anger controls your life, here's how to take it back: Tony's story is a powerful journey that illustrates that confronting anger is not only possible but essential for personal transformation and healthier relationships.
After a troubling incident that left his wife fearful, Tony realised he needed to address his anger issues for his sake and that of his future children. Through the Complete Anger Management System, he discovered valuable tools and insights that shifted his perspective and helped him take control of his emotions.
This episode offers real-life examples and actionable strategies for anyone struggling with anger, emphasising that with the right mindset and support, change is achievable.
Key Takeaways:
- Recognising the impact of your anger on loved ones is the first step towards change.
- Seeking help for anger issues will significantly improve your relationships and quality of life.
- Effective anger management requires self-reflection, understanding the effects of your behavior and commitment.
- Engaging in group sessions provides valuable perspectives and reduces feelings of isolation during recovery.
- Learning to view situations from others' perspectives can help de-escalate potential conflicts.
- Taking small, consistent steps toward managing anger can lead to lasting, positive transformations.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
What happens when someone reaches their breaking point and finally says, my anger has to stop?
Alistair Dewes:I can't keep living like this.
Alistair Dewes:How does a person find the strength to confront their darkest moments, admit their mistakes, and take that crucial first step toward breaking the cycle of anger and abuse?
Alistair Dewes:In today's episode of the Anger Secrets podcast, we'll dive into Tony's story.
Alistair Dewes:A man who faced the devastating impact of his anger head on and chose to change his life.
Alistair Dewes:Tony's transformation hasn't come easily, but I believe his courage and commitment to change will inspire anyone who feels stuck, hopeless or afraid to take action to control their anger.
Alistair Dewes:Tony's story isn't just another story about controlling anger.
Alistair Dewes:It's a living, breathing example of how the right mindset, tools and support can create a life you never thought possible.
Alistair Dewes:If you've ever wondered whether you can break free from your anger and rebuild the relationships that matter most, this episode is for you.
Alistair Dewes:Hello and welcome to episode 117 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Alistair Dewes:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years I've taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions and build calmer, happier and more respectful relationships.
Alistair Dewes:In this podcast, I share some of the same powerful tools and techniques that have helped my clients transform their lives.
Alistair Dewes:For free support on your anger management journey, including a free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, anger secrets.com I'd be honored to support you in taking control of your anger once and for all.
Alistair Dewes:Today I'm joined by Tony, who has a powerful story to share with us about his journey toward controlling his anger.
Alistair Dewes:Tony enrolled in my powerful online anger management program, the Complete Anger Management System, a few weeks ago and has already seen some incredible results in a short period of time.
Alistair Dewes:I invited Tony to talk with me on this podcast and what impressed me most about Tony was his courage to honestly see the effect of his anger on his wife.
Alistair Dewes:Many men and women I see are not able to do this.
Alistair Dewes:Instead, they minimize their actions or encourage their partner to move on and get over it.
Alistair Dewes:Tony, however, was brave enough to see his behaviour for what it was.
Alistair Dewes:As he states in this interview, this was not easy, but it is an essential step to help any couple recover from the effects of past anger, abuse or violence.
Alistair Dewes:If you are in Tony's shoes, or if you can relate to Tony at all, then I encourage you to seek help and work towards breaking the cycle of abuse.
Alistair Dewes:Here is my interview with Tony.
Host:Welcome Tony, to The Anger Secrets podcast.
Host:It's great to have you here.
Host:Can we start by you telling the audience a little bit about yourself?
Tony:Yep.
Tony:I'm 28 years old.
Tony:I'm an industrial electrician.
Tony:I work on a lot of commercial install work.
Host:What brought you to my anger management course?
Tony:So I've only just realized that I've had anger issues for quite a while.
Tony:And the reason for that is because I didn't realize that I had anger issues before.
Tony:Uh, my wife actually asked me a few times if I could do an anchor management course, and I always thought I didn't need it because I didn't think that I had any actual problems to work through.
Tony:And it wasn't until an event where I had to sit down and realize that, no, I've actually got some things that I need to work through here, not just for my own sake, but also for my wife's sake.
Tony:And it really got me thinking because we're planning on having kids in the future, and I don't want my kids growing up learning that kind of behavior from me.
Tony:I want to be a better example for them.
Host:Great.
Host:And what was the event that brought you here?
Tony:So we were having an argument.
Tony:It was over something completely trivial, and they were starting to get a bit heated.
Tony:And I did what I always do, which is where I try and contain my anger in a bit of a bubble and just keep it to myself.
Tony:And, yeah, things came to a head where I ended up screaming at her and insulting her, swearing at her.
Tony:And then I threw my coffee cup through the wall, and then I stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind me.
Tony:And I just went and sat down outside for 15 minutes or something like that, coming back to witness the carnage of what I'd done.
Tony:There was a new hole in my wall that I then had to learn how to plaster and paint a wall so I could fix it.
Tony:But more importantly, my wife was quite scared of me, which was a really hard thing to see.
Tony:That look of fear in her eyes when she looked at me.
Tony:And I think it was at that point where I saw that look that I really realized how much for a problem my anger actually was.
Tony:Yeah.
Host:And what happened after you came back?
Tony:After I came back in, I.
Tony:We sat down, we talked about what happened.
Tony:She was quite angry, but I think it was mostly because she was afraid that I was going to blow up again.
Tony:Yeah, we discussed what happened, and she asked me again if I could look at doing an anger management course.
Tony:And I agreed because that was the worst outburst that I'd ever had with her.
Tony:So, yeah.
Tony:Then while we were talking about it, I got online and looked up anger management courses, and that's how I found your course and had a look at it and decided to enrol in it.
Host:How was it reaching out for help?
Host:Was it easy or difficult?
Tony:It was a bit difficult.
Tony:It was difficult admitting that I had an issue that I had to work through.
Tony:And then you called me and asked me what was happening.
Tony:And here I was explaining something that I considered quite personal and private to someone I'd never met or spoken with before.
Tony:So I guess there was an element of shame in it at the time, admitting what I had done and that I needed help.
Tony:But I had also felt comforting to be able to just talk to someone who had an idea of what I needed to do.
Tony:And once I actually started on the course and started joining our weekly group counseling sessions, it became a lot easier and a lot more comforting because I was able to talk with other people that are working through similar situations to me, and I didn't feel quite so isolated and humiliated by it.
Host:So how were those group zoom sessions for you?
Tony:The group sessions are amazing.
Tony:It's awesome being able to get other people's perspectives on things that they're going through and also to be able to share things that have happened with me that I would like input on and getting other people's feedback about that as well.
Tony:Yeah.
Tony:As I say, it really makes you feel less isolated and like there are actually other people that are going through similar situations.
Tony:Basically makes me feel like less of an outcast.
Tony:And you've talked about previously how there's no point in living in guilt or living in shame, and that's 100% correct, because then that just makes everything feel worse.
Tony:So having a platform where you can openly talk and share experiences has been really helpful for me.
Host:Nice.
Host:And how have you been finding the online course?
Tony:Yeah, the online course is great.
Tony:The videos are really informative.
Tony:And the exercises or the handouts that come with each lesson as well.
Tony:I've been filling them in as I go.
Tony:And one of the things I like the most about it is that it really makes me just sit there and think about it.
Tony:So when I'm going to fill in one of my handouts, I actually have to stop and think, how does that look?
Tony:How does that feel?
Tony:How does that feel for the people that I'm affecting?
Tony:So it's really helped broaden my perspective up a little bit, because instead of just looking at what effect did this have on me, Now I'm thinking, how is this going to affect my wife?
Tony:How is this going to affect my friends and family?
Tony:How are they going to view me for the actions that I'm taking here?
Tony:So yes, I've been loving doing the online course.
Tony:It's yeah, brilliant.
Tony:Really good for self reflection, I think.
Host:Great.
Host:And how has it been for you thinking about things from other people's perspectives?
Tony:It can be hard.
Tony:I told a story previously about how after the incident that led me to join the course, I think it was a story that you told actually where a couple had event a number of years ago, but they had been going to the couple's counseling sessions.
Tony:And for the guy in the relationship, for him the event started and ended four years ago.
Tony:But for her, every time he got angry about something else, she was right back there and she felt that same emotion of fear all over again.
Tony:And after hearing that story, I went and sat down with my wife and I relayed that story to her.
Tony:And then I asked her, is that how I make you feel when I get angry?
Tony:And she said yes.
Tony:Every time something happens or someone cuts you off and you blow up or snap about something, I'm always afraid there's going to be another hole in the wall or that you're going to throw something at me and hurt me.
Tony:And it was really difficult for me to hear that.
Tony:It's one thing for someone to hold up a mirror, but it's another thing to actually properly look into it and see yourself what other people see you as.
Tony:And the idea that the people that I love and care about could look at me as this rage fueled creature that could just snap at any moment and hurt someone that they care about was really hard.
Tony:It did also give me a lot of motivation to change the ways that I was acting and how I present myself so that the people I care about wouldn't have that same fear of me.
Host:Yeah.
Host:And if you change yourself, you change other people's perceptions of you, right?
Tony:Exactly.
Host:And over time that usually means things will improve.
Alistair Dewes:So you've been in the course five.
Host:Or six weeks, is that right?
Host:How much change do you think you've made so far?
Tony:It's already made a lot of difference for me.
Tony:Just my shift in perspective when I'm doing something.
Tony:How is this going to affect other people?
Tony:How is this going to affect my wife, my friends and family?
Tony:Has been a massive one for me.
Tony:The attention scale has been a very valuable tool for me so far because now when something happens and I can feel myself starting to get angry.
Tony:It's a very useful tool for being able to identify where are my angle levels sitting at the moment and what do I need to do to bring those back down again.
Tony:So there's a lot of things that I've learned from the course so far that just make me stop and think and take a breather and help prevent those anger levels from climbing up too high.
Tony:Yeah.
Host:So how has it been doing an online course?
Tony:The online course is great.
Tony:I think the thing that put me off looking for an anchor management course previously was I already have not very much time.
Tony:I work a lot and I've got other things that I need to do as well.
Tony:And the idea of having to try and commit a time block every week or however often it was going to be to go somewhere and attend this course was quite daunting.
Tony:But having a course that I can just do in my own time has been such a useful tool.
Tony:If I'm at home and I don't have much to do, then I can just jump on and watch a couple of lessons or so.
Tony:If I am struggling to sleep at night and I'm just lying in bed overthinking, then I can just grab my phone and watch a couple of the videos attached to the course.
Tony:Being able to go at my own pace has been quite useful for me as well.
Tony:I'm not that far into the course because I've been doing it slowly, but I've been finding that's quite useful for me because I know that if I try and just blaze through the course quickly, I'll forget most of what I've learned in it.
Tony:So doing a little bit at a time and then taking those tools that I've picked up and being able to practice them and think on them for a week or so before I learn something else is a much better fit for my style of learning.
Tony:So, yeah, the online course is absolutely perfect for me.
Host:That's great.
Host:So has your wife noticed any changes in you?
Tony:She definitely has, yes.
Tony:Often when I do a lesson that I find quite impactful, and usually after our group counselling sessions, I'll sit down with her and say, this is what I've learned now and this is what I want to start trying to practice.
Tony:And she finds it interesting to find out the things that I'm learning about as well.
Tony:And then I also share some of my tools with her as well, like my anger management plan.
Tony:I went through and filled that out with her so that she can also help identify if something's not going well with Me, she can pick up on it and say, do you think that you're getting a bit high on the tension scale, or do you think that you need to take a time out or something?
Tony:And it's quite useful having that external feedback as well.
Tony:But, yeah, she has definitely been saying to me that she's seen improvements in me and she's been telling me that as well.
Tony:And she's quite proud of how far I've already shifted since I started the course.
Tony:As an example, the other day I was driving and someone cut me off on the motorway and she was fully expecting me to fly off the handle and start shouting and instead I just said, oh, silly driver, and carried on my way.
Tony:And she was quite gobsmacked that I had such a calm and placid reaction to it, but she knew that it's because I'm actively trying to not let things get to me so I don't get as angry about them anymore.
Tony:And she was quite chuffed about that.
Host:Yeah, I like it.
Host:And how did you feel after that situation?
Tony:I felt a lot better, actually, because then we laughed about it because it's a bizarre way to respond to a situation like that, especially for me.
Tony:But then we had a good laugh about it and I felt quite good.
Tony:Not only because we got to laugh about something, but I felt good because instead of sitting there just seething with rage about something so slight that it really had no effect on my life whatsoever, I was able to just brush it off and carry on with my day and not let it affect me for the rest of the day.
Host:That's great.
Host:So what would you say to someone who is listening to this and thinking about doing this angular management course?
Tony:I would say that I wish I had decided to take this course a lot earlier.
Tony:If I had realized or even suspected that I had an anger issue I needed to work through, I definitely would have jumped on board with that because I don't like living angry.
Tony:Not many people do, I don't think.
Tony:And it's made such a difference just in my daily life, I feel less stressed.
Tony:I'm not coming home in a bad mood and then getting snippy with my wife or something like that because of something that happened 12 hours ago that I've still been thinking about for the whole day.
Tony:So it's definitely improved my quality of life.
Tony:And because of that, I would say that if you're thinking about signing up to this course, just go for it.
Tony:It will make a world of difference for you.
Host:That's great.
Host:Anything else you'd like to say.
Tony:I guess I just want to say thank you, Alastair.
Tony:I know that you've been doing this for quite a long time and it's.
Tony:It's just really nice that there's someone that cares so much that's decided to build this course to help out people like myself that aren't really sure where else to turn.
Tony:And because it's made such a big difference in my life, I just feel really grateful for that.
Alistair Dewes:I hope this interview with Tony was useful for you.
Alistair Dewes:Tony's story demonstrates that it takes courage to break free from anger and build more positive relationships.
Alistair Dewes:His story also highlights the importance of seeking help through therapy, support groups or online programs like the Complete Anger Management System.
Alistair Dewes:Remember, you don't have to do this alone.
Alistair Dewes:There are resources and people who can support you on your journey towards controlling your anger.
Alistair Dewes:And finally, Tony's story serves as a reminder that change is possible.
Alistair Dewes:It may not be easy, but with dedication and the right tools and mindset, you can transform your life for the better.
Alistair Dewes:If you can relate to Tony's story and need help breaking the cycle of anger, abuse or violence, please don't hesitate to reach out for help.
Alistair Dewes:Ok, that's all for today's episode.
Alistair Dewes:Be sure to tune into the next week's episode to learn how to be happier.
Alistair Dewes:If you found this episode helpful, please follow this podcast.
Alistair Dewes:Head over to your favourite podcast app and leave a rating and review.
Alistair Dewes:This helps other people struggling with anger to find and benefit from this show.
Alistair Dewes:Remember, for free support on your anger management journey, including free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website anger secrets.com or if you would like to control your anger once and for all, visit angersecrets.com course to learn more about the Complete Anger Management System.
Alistair Dewes:I look forward to to helping you control your anger once and for all.
Alistair Dewes:Finally, remember you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Alistair Dewes:I'll see you in the next episode.
Alistair Dewes:Take care.
Disclaimer Speaker:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Disclaimer Speaker:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Disclaimer Speaker:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
