Episode 110
110 - Why I Do This Work - Syrus's Story
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com. After spending over 30 years teaching over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, why does anger expert Alastair Duhs do this work?
In this episode, Alastair answers this question by sharing an interview with Syrus, a man who has undergone a remarkable transformation from struggling with anger and abuse to a life embracing vulnerability and compassion.
In this episode Syrus recounts his initial reluctance to seek help and the pivotal moment when he realised the extent of his anger's impact on his wife and children. Syrus's story is a testament to the courage it takes to confront one's demons and the empowerment that comes from sharing one's struggles with loved ones.
Through Alastair's Complete Anger Management System, Syrus discovers practical tools that enable him to manage his emotions effectively, fostering healthier interactions with his family. The conversation underscores the significance of vulnerability and highlights how Syrus's willingness to open up has strengthened his relationships and created a more nurturing home environment.
Key Takeaways:
- Syrus's journey illustrates how confronting past trauma can lead to healthier relationships.
- Open communication about feelings helps reduce fear and fosters a supportive home environment.
- Understanding that anger is often self-created can empower individuals to manage their emotions.
- The techniques taught in The Complete Anger Management System are simple yet profoundly effective.
- Syrus's transformation highlights the importance of vulnerability in nurturing family connections.
- Engaging in anger management courses can provide vital tools for sustainable emotional change.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
Transcript
Hello and welcome to a very special episode of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Alistair Dies:I'm your host, Alistair Dies, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Alistair Dies:In fact, one of the main reasons I started this podcast was to help as many people as possible control their anger, as I know firsthand how destructive anger issues can be for anyone who experiences them and for the people around them, including their partners and children.
Alistair Dies:While I often talk in this podcast about my experience teaching people to control their anger, I do not often talk about why I do this work.
Alistair Dies:What is important to me about helping people to control their anger.
Alistair Dies:In today's episode, I'd like to answer this question by sharing an interview I recently had with Cyrus, an amazing man who enrolled in the Complete Anger Management System a few months ago.
Alistair Dies:As you will hear in this conversation, since this time, Cyrus has made profound and amazing transformations in his life.
Alistair Dies:In fact, it was an email Cyrus sent me about a week after starting his course that really touched me.
Alistair Dies:In this email, Cyrus shared that he was taking a piece of advice I had given him in this initial interview.
Alistair Dies:For the first time in 20 years of marriage, Cyrus opened up to his wife about the physical and emotional abuse he'd experienced as a child.
Alistair Dies:Cyrus said he was not sure if this abuse was why he got so angry and frustrated at times, but sharing this experience with his wife was very empowering to him.
Alistair Dies:He said that as a result of this sharing, his wife had also been more relaxed and happy than she had ever been before, and she was even playing music in the house when previously she had been too fearful about his response to do this.
Alistair Dies:Even for someone who has spent 30 years teaching people to control their anger, this is powerful feedback.
Alistair Dies:I could recognize that Cyrus was well on the way to making profound changes that would positively affect himself, his wife, and his children.
Alistair Dies:To be part of this change is an honor and a privilege for me and is 100% why I continue to do this work.
Alistair Dies:In fact, I ran my first anger management program over 30 years ago and was immediately blown away by how powerful the transformations the men in this group were making.
Alistair Dies:Nothing that I was saying or doing was rocket science.
Alistair Dies:Instead, it was simple, powerful and effective techniques to control anger and get very different outcomes in situations that previously would have led to anger again.
Alistair Dies:I do this work because this is what warms my heart.
Alistair Dies:Results such as those Cyrus has experienced are what gives me inspiration in life and what I want my life to stand for.
Alistair Dies:If you are listening to this podcast and have an issue with anger, I would love to help you.
Alistair Dies:The simplest way to access my help is to go to my website, angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Alistair Dies:I'd love to talk with you about your situation and see if we can make a plan to work together.
Alistair Dies:Okay, let's move on to my interview with Cyrus.
Alistair Dies:Welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Alistair Dies:Could you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Cyrus:Okay.
Cyrus:I'm a 45 year old husband, father.
Cyrus:I'm living on family farm that we've had in our family for generations.
Cyrus:Currently working in between my pest management job and my father job.
Cyrus:So it's kept me pretty busy and I'm working my way through this awesome course.
Cyrus:So yeah.
Alistair Dies:Oh, and what brought you to this anger management course?
Cyrus:Being honest with you.
Cyrus:I was in a very dark place, Alistair.
Cyrus:I was in a dark place when you and I first talked.
Cyrus:I mentioned to you I had been physically abusive to my wife, which I'm not boasting about at all.
Cyrus:I'm just merely putting it out there and abusive to my children in a verbal sense.
Cyrus:And I just wanted to change.
Cyrus:I wanted to be a better person and fix what was wrong with me, I guess.
Alistair Dies:So it sounds like anger and abuse and violence has been an issue for you for some time, is that right?
Cyrus:Yeah, that's correct, Alistair.
Cyrus:I played semi professional football, a lot of sport and I was easily a hot head if you like.
Cyrus:I thought that was a badge of honor growing up.
Cyrus:I thought I was entitled to be angry at people.
Cyrus:And I've learned through your course that I don't have that entitlement.
Cyrus:And it was only in the last two to five years that it started to get physical, if you like.
Cyrus:Even with staff at work, I would challenge them physically.
Cyrus:And it wasn't until my wife said to me, and I mentioned this to you the first time I spoke to, she was fearful just to sleep in our bed and be in our room.
Cyrus:And this was her house, well, our house, you know, it's.
Cyrus:It shouldn't be like that.
Cyrus:And that really triggered me to get help.
Cyrus:And you were the first person that I got in touch with and you were relatable, easy to talk to.
Cyrus:I guess you didn't judge me and yeah, it just that that's what I wanted to do.
Alistair Dies:How hard was it for you to reach out for help?
Cyrus:I had done it twice, I'll be honest.
Cyrus:I'd search for people I've Looked it up, but until my wife actually said to me, hey, look, I'm.
Cyrus:I'm a bit worried about you.
Cyrus:That's when something went off in my head and just said, you've got to.
Cyrus:You've got to fix yourself there, or at least try.
Cyrus:But reaching out was tough.
Cyrus:I'll be honest, it was tough.
Cyrus:I like to deal with everything myself.
Cyrus:I'm a bloke, if you like, a man's man, as they say.
Cyrus:But it was the best thing I ever did, Alistair.
Cyrus:It's the best thing I ever did.
Alistair Dies:And why is that?
Cyrus:It opened up a door or switched on a light in my mind that I don't have to be like that.
Cyrus:I was creating that.
Cyrus:I created my own anger.
Cyrus:And as I said to you, I thought I was entitled to growl people.
Cyrus:And coming from the sports field, I had a very loud voice.
Cyrus:That was my job, was to bark at you.
Cyrus:And I thought I'd bring that back into the family and bark at the family.
Cyrus:And you were the one that taught me that you don't have to compete with your family anymore.
Cyrus:You're not playing footy anymore.
Cyrus:So that was a big thing for me to learn.
Alistair Dies:Just tone, tone things down.
Alistair Dies:Absolutely.
Alistair Dies:How was starting this course for you?
Alistair Dies:What was that like?
Cyrus:It was scary because I know I've got issues.
Cyrus:I spoke to you about the first night.
Cyrus:I said, this is the best night's sleep I've ever had, Alistair.
Cyrus:I've got all this off my chairs and it's only a small portion.
Cyrus:I haven't got into the course.
Cyrus:And once I got into the course and it showed me the tools that I should be using to deal with my anger and what anger actually is, I've created the anger that was eye opening to me.
Cyrus:It was life changing, I'll be honest with you.
Cyrus:Yep.
Alistair Dies:So these were things you hadn't thought about before?
Cyrus:Never.
Cyrus:Never.
Cyrus:As I said, I always blamed everyone else with my anger.
Cyrus:And it's the first time I started to.
Cyrus:You said it to me.
Cyrus:I think you create your own anger.
Cyrus:That stuck with me there.
Cyrus:And it's true.
Cyrus:I said to you the first.
Cyrus:I said, I get mad in the morning putting my boots on.
Cyrus:I'm like, why don't these bloody boots go?
Cyrus:The boot had nothing to do with it.
Cyrus:It was me.
Cyrus:And it took, you know, your tools and your techniques to let me see that.
Alistair Dies:Awesome.
Alistair Dies:And how soon did you start to make changes?
Cyrus:I would say within the first week, if not the first two days.
Cyrus:When I started getting into the course and looking at it.
Cyrus:I was daunted.
Cyrus:I was like, oh, that's a lot.
Cyrus:But I love the way you can chip away at it.
Cyrus:You can go back to it.
Cyrus:You don't put any pressure on me to hurry up, get it done now.
Cyrus:Has to be done yesterday.
Cyrus:I still go back and look at page one and the tools you gave me, the tension scale.
Cyrus:And I don't know if I should be giving away the secrets here, but the tension scale was amazing.
Cyrus:And the wife and I, the first two weeks I was on it, she turned around to me, she said, I'm about five here.
Cyrus:I'm on the tension scale.
Cyrus:She was using the tension scale.
Cyrus:I was like, oh, okay, I'm out of here.
Cyrus:Now, in the past, tell us that I would try and control that situation and try and get out of here.
Cyrus:What's wrong?
Cyrus:Let's fix this with your techniques.
Cyrus:I walked away to the bedroom, put your book on and started doing everything and just let her go.
Cyrus:Just leave her, get her anger out, get my frustrations out.
Cyrus:And it worked a treat.
Cyrus:And I thought, this is wicked.
Cyrus:And it's so simple.
Cyrus:Why didn't I do this before?
Alistair Dies:Yeah.
Alistair Dies:And it's been about two months, I think, since you started the course.
Alistair Dies:Two months?
Alistair Dies:Yep.
Alistair Dies:What do you think the biggest changes you've made so far?
Cyrus:I am more.
Cyrus:You said this to me one time.
Cyrus:Vulnerability is where it's at.
Cyrus:And I was having a conversation today with a guy, and I told him I was on the course.
Cyrus:I was working away, and he said to me, you seem happier.
Cyrus:I said, I'm on this course.
Cyrus:I mentioned you.
Cyrus:I told him what I was doing.
Cyrus:And he said, I can see it in you.
Cyrus:You've changed.
Cyrus:I said, I used to hate people.
Cyrus:I used to not want to talk to people at work.
Cyrus:I would avoid people.
Cyrus:Now I'm going up to them and saying, how are you?
Cyrus:What are you doing?
Cyrus:Let's chat.
Cyrus:And that's not me.
Cyrus:That's not me.
Cyrus:So it's given me more of an appreciation for others, what they're dealing with, and that I'm not the only person in this world.
Alistair Dies:So, yeah, 100%.
Alistair Dies:That's awesome.
Alistair Dies:And the vulnerability in your family environment, do you use it there as well?
Cyrus:I do.
Cyrus:I've told my son everything.
Cyrus:I see a little bit of more anger in him.
Cyrus:I try and give him your tools and maybe one day I'll push him onto the course when he's ready.
Cyrus:But I want him to do what I did, Alistair.
Cyrus:And say, I'd like to do that course, but I've shared it with the whole family.
Cyrus:My wife, my father, everyone.
Cyrus:I'm not ashamed to tell anyone what I'm doing.
Cyrus:It's great.
Alistair Dies:And do you think these changes will be sustainable for you?
Cyrus:It's funny.
Cyrus:I listened to a guy you talked to.
Cyrus:I'm not sure if he was American on apologies or a Canadian, but Kevin was it, and he said, it's something you've got to keep doing.
Cyrus:And that stayed in my head.
Cyrus:And I said that to the wife last night.
Cyrus:It's something we're going to have to keep doing.
Cyrus:I've always got anger in me, I guess, and these techniques and tools you've given me allow me to control it.
Cyrus:But I don't want to stop.
Cyrus:I'd like to carry on and learn more and.
Cyrus:Yeah, just keep challenging myself.
Alistair Dies:Right.
Alistair Dies:And how much difference do you think this has made to your relationship?
Cyrus:Oh, Alastair, seriously, it's.
Cyrus:I mean, I know a lot of that stuff was my fault.
Cyrus:In the first probably two to three weeks, I was just beating myself up inside, and my wife could see it.
Cyrus:She said, why, you know, why aren't you singing musical songs on the radio and stuff like you used to?
Cyrus:And I said, I don't deserve to.
Cyrus:I've been such a horrible person that I don't feel like I deserve that.
Cyrus:And I needed to work through that.
Cyrus:In the end, I said to myself, through doing the course, if I can't love myself, how can I love you?
Cyrus:So that's something I've learned to sort of forgive myself for all the wrongdoings that I've done and.
Cyrus:But acknowledge that I've done them.
Cyrus:That was me.
Cyrus:It was no one else.
Cyrus:So that's the big thing I've taken.
Cyrus:Yeah.
Alistair Dies:And the impact on your relationship, once they.
Cyrus:We.
Cyrus:My wife and I go out now all the time.
Cyrus:We don't.
Cyrus:If we do fight, we do have an argument or a conversation that ends up we don't agree.
Cyrus:We both don't throw things at each other like we did before, or I slammed the door because I realized now that's abuse and I don't want to be that person.
Cyrus:It's dramatically changed my relationship with my wife.
Cyrus:I see her differently.
Cyrus:Not that I didn't see her as a beautiful woman and I respected her.
Cyrus:I guess I blamed her for a lot of my anger, and I don't do that anymore.
Cyrus:Now I can register what that is.
Cyrus:If I get angry at something.
Cyrus:And your tools have allowed me to understand what that is.
Alistair Dies:Right.
Alistair Dies:And has it made any difference in terms of your relationship with your children?
Cyrus:Oh, it's a game changer.
Cyrus:The one thing I've learned, as I said to you before, was I'm entitled to growl.
Cyrus:You kids.
Cyrus:I'm entitled to smack you.
Cyrus:Not anymore.
Cyrus:No smack in here.
Cyrus:No disciplining in anger, because it just doesn't work.
Cyrus:So I'll sit down, I'll talk to them, I'll act like I'm you, I'll be calm and mature and we'll discuss what is your problem?
Cyrus:Why are you so angry at the moment?
Cyrus:You can't get what you want.
Cyrus:That's cool.
Cyrus:Let's try and work our way towards that.
Cyrus:And there's been numerous times my wife said, well done, hon.
Cyrus:I wouldn't have done that.
Cyrus:And I'm sitting back going, I didn't do anything special.
Cyrus:I've just done what Alistair told me to do and it's worked.
Cyrus:Who did?
Cyrus:Why didn't I get this 20 years ago?
Cyrus:So, yeah, they're fabulous tools, Alastair.
Alistair Dies:Right.
Alistair Dies:And have you noticed any difference in how your children respond to you?
Cyrus:A lot more open to come and talk to me about whatever their issue is.
Cyrus:In the past, they probably would have lied, it was his fault, it was their fault.
Cyrus:Now they're more willing to say, sorry, I did this.
Cyrus:Yep.
Cyrus:Because they know they're not gonna get judged, growled or, we're gonna sort it out, we're gonna work through it together.
Cyrus:So honestly, it's a game changer.
Alistair Dies:Great.
Alistair Dies:Couple more questions.
Alistair Dies:So how is doing an online course been for you?
Cyrus:It worked for me because of where I am.
Cyrus:You're in the Auckland area.
Cyrus:I won't give away where you are.
Cyrus:I mean, I'm in the Waikato area, so we're 100 and something kilometres apart.
Cyrus:And yet it's perfect for me, Alistair.
Cyrus:I love it.
Alistair Dies:And what would you say to someone else who may be listening to this episode, thinking about doing the course, but maybe not sure.
Alistair Dies:What would you say to that person?
Cyrus:Don't think about doing the course.
Cyrus:Do it.
Cyrus:Don't think about it.
Cyrus:Just do it.
Cyrus:If you're going to think about it, you probably put it off.
Cyrus:Like me.
Cyrus:You'll probably get scared.
Cyrus:Be courageous and do it.
Cyrus:Just what have you got to lose?
Cyrus:It was the best money I've spent and I can't tell you how long since I've been married.
Cyrus:That's how powerful it can be.
Alistair Dies:Right.
Alistair Dies:Anything else you'd like to say?
Cyrus:Thank you.
Cyrus:Thank you to you.
Cyrus:You've got a.
Cyrus:I'm not.
Cyrus:I don't mean this in a degrading like you've got an odd style where you just sit back and you, you watch and you listen and I appreciate that.
Cyrus:You don't ram anything down my throat saying you must do this, you must do that.
Cyrus:And I feel like I can't let you down as well.
Cyrus:So.
Cyrus:Yeah, I, I just love your approach.
Cyrus:You can always email you and ask you something or you're always, you know, you're there even if you're on holiday or swimming with dolphins or whales.
Cyrus:So it's, it's awesome.
Cyrus:Alistair, I can't thank you enough, my friend.
Alistair Dies:Okay.
Alistair Dies:I hope you enjoyed my interview with Cyrus.
Alistair Dies:As mentioned, being part of the transformations that men like Cyrus make is why I do this work and why I will help people control their anger for as long as possible.
Alistair Dies:Remember, if anger is an issue for you, and if you would like help to control your anger, master your emotions, or create a calmer, happier or more loving relationship, Visit my website anger secrets.com and book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Alistair Dies:Call with me or simply enrol in the complete anger management system today, which I guarantee will help you make profound changes in your life.
Alistair Dies:Remember too, you cannot control other people, but you can control yourself.
Alistair Dies:Thank you for listening to this episode and look forward to talking with you in the next one.
Alistair Dies:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Alistair Dies:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Alistair Dies:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
