Episode 171
171 - Why Your Partner Never Hears What You're Trying to Say
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever had an argument that started over something small? The dishes, a tone of voice or being late, and somehow ended with both of you feeling hurt, defensive and completely misunderstood?
In this episode of The Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explains why most relationship conflict isn’t caused by big problems. It’s caused by small moments where listening breaks down, emotions rise and conversations spiral out of control before either person realises what’s happening.
You’ll learn three practical communication skills that actually work: helping you feel heard, express yourself clearly without aggression and stop everyday disagreements from turning into damaging arguments.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
- Why good intentions still lead to communication breakdowns
- The most common mistake people make when they think they’re “listening”
- How to express yourself clearly without sounding aggressive or defensive
- A simple structure for difficult conversations that reduces conflict
- How to negotiate disagreements without damaging trust or respect
The three communication skills covered:
- Active listening: Learning to understand before responding
- Clear, non-aggressive expression: Saying what you mean without escalating conflict
- Effective negotiation: Working together instead of against each other
Want help with this?
If communication in your relationship keeps breaking down, especially when emotions run high, support is available:
- Watch the free training on breaking the anger cycle
- Book a free 30-minute Anger Assessment Call
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
Visit angersecrets.com to get started.
When communication changes, relationships change with it.
And remember:
You can’t control other people — but you can control yourself.
Transcript
Have you ever noticed how an argument with your partner can start over something small and end with both of you feeling hurt, defensive, and completely frustrated?
Speaker A:If so, maybe you can relate to you walking away, replaying the conversation in your head, thinking, that's not what I meant, or why didn't they hear what I was really trying to say?
Speaker A:If you're listening to this episode today, that already says something important about you.
Speaker A:It says you're not just trying to stop arguments, you're trying to understand why communication in your relationship keeps breaking down even when your intentions are good.
Speaker A:And that's exactly what we're going to explore in this episode.
Speaker A:Because most relationship conflict isn't caused by big problems.
Speaker A:It's caused by small moments where listening stops, emotions rise, and conversations spiral out of control before either person realizes what's happening.
Speaker A:If you can relate to this, keep listening.
Speaker A:Because by the end of this episode, you'll learn three simple but powerful tips that can completely change how you communicate with your partner, helping you feel heard, speak clearly without aggression, and stop arguments from escalating into something neither of you wanted.
Speaker A:Because when the communication in your relationship changes, your entire relationship will change with it.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 171 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more respectful relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I'll share with you the proven tools and techniques I have used to help my clients control their anger and transform their lives.
Speaker A:For a free training on how to control your anger, head to angersecrets.com training in this training, I'll teach you some of the most powerful tips, tools and techniques I use to help my clients eliminate anger from their life.
Speaker A:That's angersecrets.com training.
Speaker A:Now let's jump into today's episode on three communication tips that actually work in relationships.
Speaker A:The first tip to communicating effectively with your partner is to become a better listener.
Speaker A:As I have mentioned in previous episodes of this podcast, being a good listener is perhaps the most important skill of all in becoming a better communicator.
Speaker A:In particular, learning how to actively listen to your partner is perhaps the single most powerful thing you can do right now to transform your relationship almost regardless of what is going on between you.
Speaker A:As I have described in previous episodes of this podcast, active listening involves being fully present and engaged in the conversation with your partner and includes paying attention to the words they use, their body language and the feelings behind the words your partner is saying.
Speaker A:Some Tips for Active Listening Maintain eye contact, use positive body language, ask clarifying questions and summarize what your partner has said.
Speaker A:Most crucially, however, instead of giving advice or attempting to solve problems, when you are actively listening to your partner, it is better to be curious about what your partner is saying and allow them to fully express their thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Speaker A:Not surprisingly, active listing is hard for many people.
Speaker A:In most conversations, for example, people are trained to respond to what the other person is saying by giving their own thoughts and opinions.
Speaker A:This is called talking rather than listening.
Speaker A:So instead of giving your thoughts and opinions, it is better to try to get underneath the surface of the of what your partner is saying.
Speaker A:If you are attempting to give your partner advice or solve their problems, you are not listening to them.
Speaker A:This will mean that your partner will not feel heard or listened to and in most cases will ultimately decide to stop talking with you entirely.
Speaker A:In my private counselling sessions, I have spent many hours helping people to actively listen to each other better.
Speaker A:One tip I use frequently is just to encourage the person who is actively listening to their partner to just ask their partner questions.
Speaker A:These questions might be questions about what their partner has said or how their partner has felt about the situation they are talking about.
Speaker A:In most cases, questions are powerful tools for deepening communication and encouraging your partner to open up a about what is really going on for them.
Speaker A:Some simple questions you can ask your partner to be a better active listener include questions such what do you think about this?
Speaker A:How did you come to that conclusion?
Speaker A:How do you feel about what happened?
Speaker A:Or can you tell me more about that?
Speaker A:These questions not only show that you're truly interested in understanding your partner's perspective, but also encourage a deeper level of communication.
Speaker A:They also help shift the focus from a potentially confrontational exchange to a more collaborative and understanding dialogue.
Speaker A:Remember, the goal of active listening is not to agree with everything your partner says, but to understand where they're coming from.
Speaker A:This understanding can be the foundation for for resolving conflicts and building a stronger, more connected relationship.
Speaker A:Once you have mastered the art of active listening, the next step to communicating more effectively with your partner.
Speaker A:Tip 2 Express yourself clearly and non aggressively.
Speaker A:This means being able to communicate your thoughts, feelings and needs in a way that is respectful and considerate on of your partner's feelings.
Speaker A:It includes being mindful of the words you use, how loud your voice is, what body language you use, and what tone of voice you use.
Speaker A:Expressing yourself clearly and non aggressively also means avoiding any behaviour or words that could be interpreted as threatening, humiliating or demeaning.
Speaker A:For example, Avoid raising your voice, using insulting language or making assumptions about your partner's thoughts or feelings.
Speaker A:A simple model I use to help people express themselves clearly and non aggressively is called the Desk model.
Speaker A: del that was developed in the: Speaker A:The Desk model consists of four steps.
Speaker A:These Step 1 Describe the situation you want to talk about.
Speaker A:Step 2 Explain your feelings about this situation.
Speaker A:Step 3 Suggest what you would like to happen in this situation.
Speaker A:Give the positive consequences of your suggested solution as with active listening, it takes time and practice to to get good at expressing yourself clearly and non aggressively using the desk model.
Speaker A:However, the more you practice, the easier it will become and the more effective learning to express yourself to your partner will be.
Speaker A:Negotiate Difficult issues Effectively the third and final secret to successful communication is to learn to negotiate difficult issues with with your partner effectively.
Speaker A:Learning to negotiate relationship issues effectively is important because every relationship has its ups and downs and there will be times when you and your partner disagree about issues.
Speaker A:It's essential to know how to navigate these disagreements in a way that maintains respect and understanding between you and your partner.
Speaker A:To do this, it's crucial to use good listening skills.
Speaker A:Practice clear and non aggressive communication, and have an openness to compromise.
Speaker A:Negotiating difficult issues with your partner effectively also requires you to be creative and think of solutions that work for you both.
Speaker A:A simple way to practice good negotiation skills with your partner is to start by listening to your partner's perspective on an issue without making any judgments or assumptions.
Speaker A:Use active listening.
Speaker A:Listen without interruption and with an open mind.
Speaker A:Once your partner has finished explaining their perspective, it is time to explain yours.
Speaker A:Be clear and concise about what you think and feel.
Speaker A:An excellent way to do this is to use the desk model I have just discussed.
Speaker A:Once you have explained your perspective on the issue, a good next step is for you and your partner to work together to brainstorm solutions that work for both of you.
Speaker A:This means that you and your partner try to come up with as many solutions as possible to the problem.
Speaker A:Once you have done this, work together to choose the best option for you both.
Speaker A:This may require compromise from you both, but if you can come up with a solution that works for both of you, it is worth the effort.
Speaker A:Ok, there you have it.
Speaker A:Three communication tips that actually work in relationships Active listening, expressing yourself clearly and non aggressively and negotiating difficult issues effectively are all skills that take time and practice to master.
Speaker A:But by practicing these three steps you can of successful communication, you will create a calmer, happier and more respectful relationship.
Speaker A:Remember too that if you'd like help in mastering these skills, I offer a free 30 minute phone consultation where we can discuss your specific needs and how I can support you in controlling your anger and improving your communication skills.
Speaker A:Just Visit my website angersecrets.com to schedule your free consultation today.
Speaker A:Don't hesitate.
Speaker A:Book your consultation now and take the first step towards improving your communication skills and creating a calmer, happier and more fulfilling relationship.
Speaker A:Ok, thanks for listening to today's episode on three communication tips that actually work in relationships.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to control their anger today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to control your anger once and for all, book that free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
