Episode 165
165 - The 60-Second Window That Could Save Your Relationship
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
You're in the middle of an argument and you know where it's headed. But what if you could change the outcome before things spiral out of control?
In this essential episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs reveals how to recognise the signs of escalating conflict and use simple, proven repair techniques to stop fights before they start and strengthen your relationship instead.
Key Takeaways:
-Every argument offers a choice: escalate the fight or repair the connection.
-The first step to de-escalating conflict is recognising your own signs of rising anger.
-Reminding yourself that the relationship matters more than “being right” helps calm tension.
-Repair attempts, like a kind tone, humor, a break or physical affection can powerfully shift the dynamic.
-Noticing and accepting your partner’s repair attempts builds trust and prevents emotional damage.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Picture you're in the middle of an argument.
Speaker A:Maybe your heart starts racing, your shoulders tense up, and suddenly you can feel yourself getting ready to say something you might regret.
Speaker A:Maybe it's a defensive comeback, maybe it's bringing up something from the past.
Speaker A:Or maybe it's that urge to just walk away and slam the door.
Speaker A:You've been here before and you probably know how it usually ends, with both of you feeling worse than when it started.
Speaker A:But what if it didn't have to?
Speaker A:What if that exact moment when you feel the anger rising could actually become a turning point instead of a breaking point?
Speaker A:Because here's the thing most people have never learned.
Speaker A:In every heated conversation, you have a choice.
Speaker A:Not after you've cooled down, not when you're ready to apologize later.
Speaker A:But right there in the middle of it all, you can let the anger take over.
Speaker A:Or you can try something different.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 165 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Ok, with that said, let's dive into today's topic, how to stop fights before they start to begin with, let me explain Relationship Repair the concept of relationship repair was developed by well known American relationship expert Dr. John Gottman.
Speaker A:According to Gottman, relationship repair is the ability to recognise when an argument is getting out of hand and take steps to de escalate it before the damage becomes too severe.
Speaker A:So how exactly do you practice relationship repair?
Speaker A:Here are three simple tip one Is to notice when an argument is escalating.
Speaker A:Although this may sound obvious, you cannot de escalate a conflict if you are unaware that the conflict is escalating.
Speaker A:There are several lessons in the complete anger management system that will teach you how to recognize the signs of escalating conflict.
Speaker A:But in general terms, the key to recognizing when conflict is escalating is is to be mindful of your own physical and emotional warning signs of anger.
Speaker A:In an argument, for example, you might notice your heart beating faster, your fists clenching, or feelings of anger or frustration.
Speaker A:Once you are aware that A conflict is starting to escalate.
Speaker A:It's time to move on to Tip two.
Speaker A:Tip two is to recognize that your relationship is more important than the issue you are discussing.
Speaker A:This simple mindset shift allows you to take a step back and put things into perspective.
Speaker A:For example, it's easy for many people to get caught up in trying to win an argument, but reminding yourself that your relationship is more important than the issue you are discussing can help you calm down and focus on repairing the relationship.
Speaker A:Tip three is to make a repair attempt in your relationship.
Speaker A:Remember, a repair attempt is any statement or action that tries to prevent an argument from escalating out of control.
Speaker A:According to Dr. Gottman, there are many ways to do this.
Speaker A:Some common ways of repairing a relationship during an argument Option one Speaking in a soft and kind tone Option two expressing how you feel, such as by saying I feel hurt when you say that Saying that you need things to calm down, such as by saying I feel overwhelmed right now.
Speaker A:Can we take a break and come back to this later?
Speaker A:Using appropriate humor to defuse the situation, such as by making a silly expression or a light hearted joke.
Speaker A:Option five Showing physical affection, such as by hugging your partner or holding their hand.
Speaker A:Option 6 Taking responsibility for your part in the argument, even if it was just a small part.
Speaker A:Option 7 apologizing for things that you have done or said during the argument.
Speaker A:Option 8 Expressing appreciation for something your partner has said or done, such as by saying I appreciate your perspective or thank you for listening to me or option 9 taking a short break from the argument and returning to it when you have both calmed down.
Speaker A:Whatever option you choose, the key to effective relationship repair is to find out what works for you and your partner and make a conscious effort to use these repair attempts whenever conflict arises.
Speaker A:Another important point that Gottman makes about repair attempts is that it is important to notice any repair attempts that your partner makes.
Speaker A:For example, if your partner says I'm sorry or asks for a hug during an argument, be sure to accept this repair attempt with kindness and appreciation.
Speaker A:If you do not, or if if you brush off your partner's repair attempts, this is extremely likely to lead to more conflict and damage in your relationship.
Speaker A:The bottom line is that practicing repair attempts can help you avoid conflict and maintain a healthy, happy and loving relationship.
Speaker A:Remember, too, that conflict in relationships is overrated.
Speaker A:While almost all couples argue, very few couples argue effectively.
Speaker A:And as I tell my clients over and over again, it is almost always more effective to understand your partner's perspective during an argument than it is to convince your partner of your perspective.
Speaker A:Okay, so there you have it.
Speaker A:A brief overview of repair attempts and why they are so important in relationships.
Speaker A:Remember to practice relationship repair as often as you can and watch your relationship thrive.
Speaker A:As always, thank you for listening to today's episode.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing they need to start their anger management journey today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you create a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
