Episode 164
164 - Why Small Things Make You So Angry
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
It’s often not the big things that make you angry. It’s the small stuff that hijacks your day.
In this thoughtful episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores why seemingly minor annoyances can trigger such big reactions, and how learning to let go of them can radically improve your relationships, your mood and your life.
Key Takeaways:
-Small events like a comment or forgotten chore often trigger anger because of deeper emotional patterns.
-Reacting in the heat of the moment usually leads to regret. Pausing first gives you power.
-Asking, “Will this matter in a week or a year?” helps you gain perspective and avoid overreacting.
-Practicing gratitude can rewire your brain to focus on what really matters, not petty irritations.
-Recognising life’s fragility can shift your focus from frustration to compassion and connection.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
It was just a comment.
Speaker A:Maybe your co worker made a snide remark in a meeting, or your partner left dishes in the sink again.
Speaker A:Or some stranger cut you off in traffic without even looking.
Speaker A:A tiny event.
Speaker A:Insignificant.
Speaker A:Forgettable.
Speaker A:But somehow that small moment hijacked your entire day.
Speaker A:Your jaw clenched, your shoulders tensed.
Speaker A:That familiar fire started burning in your chest and suddenly you're replaying it over and over, building a winning case or crafting the perfect comeback you'll never actually use.
Speaker A:Sound familiar?
Speaker A:If so, here's the sad truth.
Speaker A:The smallest things often hurt us the most.
Speaker A:It's often not the big crises or the life changing disasters.
Speaker A:Those we handle.
Speaker A:We rise to the occasion.
Speaker A:We find strength we didn't know we had.
Speaker A:But a dirty look, a forgotten anniversary, a text that took too long to answer.
Speaker A:Those can ruin us for days.
Speaker A:But what if I told you this is completely backwards?
Speaker A:What if the secret to a peaceful life isn't avoiding small annoyances, it's learning why they have such enormous power over you in the first place?
Speaker A:Think about it.
Speaker A:How many beautiful moments have you missed because you were fuming about something that happened hours ago?
Speaker A:How many conversations have you ruined because you brought yesterday's frustration into today's discussion?
Speaker A:In today's episode, we'll answer these questions.
Speaker A:You'll discover why your brain is wired to obsess over tiny things, and you'll learn the exact moment when something small is about to become something big and how to stop it in its tracks.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 164 of the Anger Secrets Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website, angersecrets.com there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute access anger assessment call.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Okay, with that said, let's dive into today's topic.
Speaker A:You don't need to react to everything to begin with.
Speaker A:Let's establish why so many of us get caught up in minor events or issues.
Speaker A:If you struggle with anger, you probably know what I mean.
Speaker A:For example, when I ask my clients what led to their most recent argument with their partner, they often say it was something like one person forgetting to put the dishes away or the other person leaving a towel on the bathroom floor.
Speaker A:These small issues often consume my clients thoughts and feelings, leading to an overreaction or explosion.
Speaker A:But why do we get so worked up over these small things?
Speaker A:There are of course, many reasons for this.
Speaker A:These include One person is trying to be right all the time.
Speaker A:As I have discussed in previous episodes of this podcast, any build up of emotions over time can easily become projected onto small issues.
Speaker A:Another reason people get worked up over small events is that people don't communicate effectively about underlying problems.
Speaker A:This leads to a focus on surface level problems.
Speaker A:Another reason people get worked up over small events is that they have an overdeveloped sense of control.
Speaker A:These people feel like they need to be in control of almost everything.
Speaker A:So when something small goes wrong or doesn't happen as planned, it can feel like their whole world is crumbling, leading to inevitable anger and frustration.
Speaker A:Okay, regardless of the reason that someone gets caught up in small events, it's important to know how to let these events go.
Speaker A:So how exactly do you do that?
Speaker A:Here are a few simple Tip one is to take a step back when you feel yourself getting angry or irritated over a minor event, take a step back and wait a moment or two.
Speaker A:Pause before you respond to help you do this.
Speaker A:Many of my clients find it helpful to take a deep breath and think about the consequences of acting angrily.
Speaker A:Others choose to excuse themselves from the situation for a few minutes to give themselves time and space to evaluate whether the event is important enough to get angry over whatever option you choose.
Speaker A:Taking a step back will give you the time to gain some perspective before responding.
Speaker A:Tip two is to ask Will this matter in a year, a month, or even a week?
Speaker A:It is easy to become focused on the present moment, but when you do this, you often forget about the bigger picture by asking yourself if this will still be important to you in a year or a month, or even a week from now, you can let go of minor events before they escalate into something bigger.
Speaker A:In fact, I once worked with a man who was facing deportation from the country he was living in due to a domestic violence situation.
Speaker A:This deportation would have huge effects on this man, his family, and his whole life.
Speaker A:As this client's court date became closer, I expected my client to be more and more stressed about the situation.
Speaker A:But he was not.
Speaker A:So I asked him why he seemed so calm.
Speaker A:He replied that he had learned to ask himself the simple will this matter to me in five years?
Speaker A:He said that what he was worried about five years ago were things he couldn't even remember now, so why worry about this?
Speaker A:His life would likely be fine in five years, he said, and he couldn't change the outcome of the court process, so why worry about it?
Speaker A:Tip three Is to Practice Gratitude Practicing gratitude is a powerful way to shift your focus away from the small things that irritate you to the bigger, more positive aspects of life.
Speaker A:When you get caught up in minor irritations, take a moment to think about all the things you are grateful for in life.
Speaker A:These can be simple things, such as having a roof over your head, a loving family, or even just the fact that you are alive and healthy.
Speaker A:By practicing gratitude regularly, you can let go of the small things that are bothering you.
Speaker A:Practicing gratitude also helps build resilience and positivity, making it easier to handle future irritations without getting worked up.
Speaker A:So the next time you find yourself getting worked up about small stuff, remember these three Take a step back.
Speaker A:Ask yourself, will this issue truly matter in a year, a month, or even a week?
Speaker A:And practise gratitude to shift your focus onto more positive things.
Speaker A:Finally, some people ask me if I ever get worked up about small events in my life.
Speaker A:Of course, these things do bother me, but perhaps one of the most influential events in my life was when I had a parent pass away when I was 11 years old.
Speaker A:This had a huge effect on me in many ways, but one thing it taught me was to recognize what is important in life and what is not.
Speaker A:If my partner forgot to put the dishes away, is this really a matter of life and death?
Speaker A:Or if my partner is having a bad day and snaps at me, do I really need to make this a big deal and escalate it into a fight?
Speaker A:Or can I cut her some slack?
Speaker A:Think she probably has had a bad day and practice compassion and understanding instead.
Speaker A:Knowing what is truly important in life and knowing how quickly life can change helps me let go of the small events and focus on what is really important.
Speaker A:And that is almost always people.
Speaker A:Okay, I hope that is helpful.
Speaker A:Remember not to get caught up in the small events in your life.
Speaker A:Remember too, that if you'd like a roadmap to transforming your anger, Visit my website angersecrets.com and enrol in my comprehensive online anger management coaching program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:As always, thank you for listening to today's episode.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:This helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing that they need to start their anger management journey today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you create a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
