Episode 156
156 - How to Build a Stronger, Happier Relationship
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Arguments that start small often end in deep emotional disconnect. In this heartfelt episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores how seemingly minor issues can spiral into major conflicts—and how you can change that.
He shares three simple but powerful tips that will help you manage conflict better, communicate more effectively and reconnect with your partner in a meaningful way.
Key Takeaways:
-Conflict doesn’t have to damage your relationship—when handled well, it can actually bring you closer together.
-Trying to “win” arguments only leads to both partners losing; the goal is mutual understanding, not victory.
-Active listening and asking thoughtful, open-ended questions can break patterns of miscommunication and foster deeper connection.
-Small, intentional acts of appreciation and quality time go a long way in keeping a relationship strong and loving.
-Making your relationship a priority—despite life’s busyness—helps build emotional intimacy and trust.
-Even couples on the brink of separation can rebuild connection with the right tools and willingness to grow together.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Think back to the last argument you had with your partner.
Speaker A:Maybe it started over something small.
Speaker A:The dishes left in the sink, a tone of voice that came out wrong, or a promise that slipped through the cracks.
Speaker A:At first it seemed trivial, but within minutes the room was heavy with tension.
Speaker A:Voices rose, words got sharper, and suddenly you weren't just arguing about dishes or tone anymore.
Speaker A:You were fighting about respect, about love, or about whether you're truly being seen and heard afterwards.
Speaker A:Maybe you sat in silence.
Speaker A:Maybe you were in separate rooms.
Speaker A:Maybe you were lying in the same bed, back to back, both of you feeling exhausted, hurt, and wondering how something so small spiralled into something so big.
Speaker A:If this feels familiar, you're not alone.
Speaker A:This is a common pattern that erodes relationships day after day.
Speaker A:But know this, it doesn't have to be this way.
Speaker A:With the right tools, conflict doesn't have to destroy connection in relationships.
Speaker A:Instead, it can actually deepen it.
Speaker A:That's what today's episode is about.
Speaker A:Today I'll share three simple, practical tips that can transform the way you and your partner handle conflict, the way you communicate, and the way you prioritise your partner.
Speaker A:So instead of replaying the same argument over and over, you can start creating the relationship you truly want.
Speaker A:Welcome to episode 156 of the Anger Secrets Podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, take responsibility for their actions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angersecrets.com there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat personally with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Ok, with that said, let's dive into today's how to build a stronger, happier relationship Starting today To start with for most of us, our primary romantic relationship is the cornerstone of our lives.
Speaker A:It's where we turn for love, support and connection.
Speaker A:Yet so many couples struggle to create and sustain a relationship that truly feels happy, healthy and loving.
Speaker A:So why is this?
Speaker A:There are several reasons for this.
Speaker A:For some people, the challenge starts early.
Speaker A:If you grew up in a home where anger, criticism or manipulation were the main ways people related, you may never have had good role models for what a healthy relationship looks like.
Speaker A:It's completely understandable that this makes building one as an adult more difficult for others.
Speaker A:The struggle comes from unrealistic expectations.
Speaker A:We're constantly bombarded with with images of perfect relationships on social media, in movies, or in advertising.
Speaker A:When reality doesn't match those ideals, it's easy to feel let down, disappointed, or even resentful toward your partner.
Speaker A:And finally, there's the simple fact that very few of us are ever taught how to have a great relationship.
Speaker A:We spend years learning subjects like math, science, science, or history in school, but no one hands us a how to guide for love.
Speaker A:Yet the research is there and the tools are available.
Speaker A:We just have to learn and apply them.
Speaker A:The good news is, no matter what your background, no matter what your past relationships have been like, it is never too late to create the kind of relationship you truly want.
Speaker A:In my own counselling practice, I've seen couples walk in on the brink of separation and, with the right tools and a willingness to do the work, walk out months later more connected, more affectionate, and more in love than ever before.
Speaker A:So how do you do this?
Speaker A:What are the steps to building a relationship that's not only stronger, but also calmer, more respectful, and more loving?
Speaker A:Let's start with the first.
Speaker A:Manage conflict effectively as I've said many times on this podcast, nothing erodes a relationship faster than unresolved or heated conflict.
Speaker A:And research consistently shows that the biggest difference between happy and unhappy couples isn't how much conflict they have, it's how they handle it.
Speaker A:Now, if you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know that my focus is always on helping people manage anger more effectively.
Speaker A:So if you need extra tools for that, I encourage you to go back and revisit any previous episodes of this podcast.
Speaker A:Or even better, head to my website, angersecrets.com to access a range of powerful free anger management resources, including booking a free call with me.
Speaker A:But if I could give you just one piece of advice about managing conflict in relationships, it would be Stop trying to win arguments.
Speaker A:For example, I see couples every week who fall into the same destructive pattern.
Speaker A:Often within minutes of sitting down in my office, they're replaying the exact argument that brought them to me in the first place.
Speaker A:Their volume rises, tempers flare, and before long, one person feels they've won.
Speaker A:But the truth is, they've only won by making their partner lose.
Speaker A:And when that happens, the relationship itself has lost.
Speaker A:So what can you do instead?
Speaker A:Luckily, there are many ways you and your partner can discuss issues that don't lead to win lose arguments.
Speaker A:I share many of these in my powerful online coaching program called the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:In fact, in this program, you'll learn everything you need to know about how to manage conflict in healthy, respectful and effective ways.
Speaker A:The Complete Anger Management System also includes regular group coaching sessions with myself so that I can personally guide you through the process of learning how to control your anger and how to manage conflict effectively.
Speaker A:So if you're ready to take the next step toward transforming your relationships, find out more about the Complete Anger Management System at my website, angersecrets.com My second tip for building a stronger, happier and more loving relationship is to communicate effectively with your partner.
Speaker A:Communication really is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
Speaker A:But here's something I see every day in my counseling practice.
Speaker A:Most couples don't actually struggle because they don't know how to communicate.
Speaker A:They struggle because in the heat of the moment, they simply choose not to.
Speaker A:Instead of slowing down and truly listening, they push to make their own point or worse, try to win the argument.
Speaker A:One of the most important skills in communication is something called active listening.
Speaker A:Active listening means more than just hearing the words your partner is saying.
Speaker A:It means putting aside your own perspective and agenda and really trying to understand their experience.
Speaker A:It means validating their feelings and showing that you care about what they're trying to express.
Speaker A:I've talked about active listening in more detail in past episodes of this podcast, such as episode 91.
Speaker A:So if you'd like to go deeper into that skill, I encourage you to listen to that one.
Speaker A:But here's the key point.
Speaker A:Even couples who know what active listening is often fail to use it.
Speaker A:In the middle of conflict, it's easy to slip back into trying to defend yourself or prove your point.
Speaker A:So how do you break that cycle?
Speaker A:One of the simplest and most effective tools I've found is learning to ask good questions.
Speaker A:Good questions are open ended and non judgmental.
Speaker A:They invite your partner to share more about what they're thinking and feeling.
Speaker A:For example, you might ask, can you tell me more about what you're feeling right now?
Speaker A:Or what would help you feel more supported in this situation?
Speaker A:Or even how do you see this from your perspective?
Speaker A:By asking questions like these, you show your partner that you genuinely want to understand them better.
Speaker A:And while this may sound simple, it's a skill that's often overlooked.
Speaker A:So why not start practising today?
Speaker A:The next time you feel a conflict rising, instead of pushing your point, pause and ask your partner a good question.
Speaker A:You may be surprised at how quickly the tension drops and how much closer you feel afterwards.
Speaker A:Now my third tip for building a happier healthier and more loving relationship is prioritise your relationship.
Speaker A:I know this may sound cliched, but the truth is in today's fast paced world, relationships often take a back seat to work, family and other commitments.
Speaker A:While it's important to have a well rounded life and pursue your personal interests, it's also crucial to make time for your partner and nurture your relationship.
Speaker A:So how do you prioritize your relationship?
Speaker A:One simple way is to schedule time to sit down with your partner and simply talk about your day.
Speaker A:Ideally, this should happen every day, but if that's not possible, aim for at least two to three times a week.
Speaker A:This will give you both an opportunity to catch up with each other and connect on a deeper level.
Speaker A:During these conversations, it is important to practice active listening skills and avoid distractions such as phones or other devices.
Speaker A:Couples who regularly make time to talk with each other more often than not report feeling more connected and understanding towards their partner.
Speaker A:Another way to prioritise your relationship is to plan regular quality time with your partner.
Speaker A:This can be anything from a weekly date night to going for a walk or cooking together.
Speaker A:However you choose to spend this time together, make sure you do it and it's something that you both enjoy and can do regularly.
Speaker A:Finally, a third way to prioritise your relationship is is to express regular appreciation to your partner.
Speaker A:This can be as simple as saying thank you for small gestures such as cooking dinner or taking out the trash, or as deep as expressing how much you value your partner in your life.
Speaker A:These regular expressions of appreciation can go a long way in keeping your relationship strong and healthy.
Speaker A:Remember, it's the little things that often make the biggest difference in any relationship.
Speaker A:Okay, so those are my three tips for building a stronger, happier and more loving relationship.
Speaker A:These Tips are Tip 1 manage conflict effectively Tip 2 communicate effectively with your partner and Tip 3 is to prioritise your relationship.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngusSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
