Episode 154
154 - 6 Proven Tips To Control Your Anger Fast
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever said something in anger that you instantly regretted? In this episode of the Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares six powerful, practical tips to help you stay calm and in control—even in the heat of the moment.
Whether you're struggling with sudden outbursts or lingering tension, these strategies can help you shift from reactive to reflective, strengthening your relationships and your emotional well-being.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger is a habit, not your identity—and habits can be changed with the right tools and awareness.
-Your thoughts—not the events themselves—are what trigger your anger, which means you have the power to shift your emotional response.
-The Tension Scale helps you recognise how close you are to an angry outburst so you can act before things escalate.
-Expressing anger aggressively or abusively never helps—it often worsens the situation and damages trust in your relationships.
-Simple relaxation techniques, like deep breathing and reframing your thoughts, can calm your body and mind in moments of stress.
-Taking a Time-Out—done respectfully and with clear agreements—can prevent conflict from spiralling out of control and protect your connection with others.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle
angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Have you ever said something in anger and the instant the words left your mouth wished you could take them back?
Speaker A:Maybe it was with your partner, your kids, or someone at work?
Speaker A:One moment everything seemed fine.
Speaker A:The next you've caused damage that feels impossible to heal.
Speaker A:If this sounds familiar, know this.
Speaker A:Anger isn't who you are.
Speaker A:It's a habit that you can change.
Speaker A:In this episode, I'll share six proven tips that can help you transform those destructive moments of anger into moments of calmness, clarity and control.
Speaker A:So stick around because by the end of this episode, you'll know how to break the cycle of anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 154 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Jewes, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, take responsibility for their actions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat personally with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Ok, with that said, let's dive into six proven tips to control your anger far faster and more effectively than you may think possible.
Speaker A:Tip number one to control your anger is to understand that it's not the events that happen to you that make you angry, but instead it is your thoughts about those events.
Speaker A:This tip is one of the most powerful secrets of anger management.
Speaker A:To help understand this tip more, imagine that you are driving your car and another car cuts in front of you.
Speaker A:If you are like many people in this situation, you may immediately get angry and shout at the other driver, make rude gestures, or tailgate the other car.
Speaker A:In this situation, did the other driver make you angry?
Speaker A:Many people answer yes to this question.
Speaker A:After all, they say if the other driver didn't cut in front of me, I wouldn't have gotten angry.
Speaker A:This, however, is wrong.
Speaker A:It is your thoughts and not the other driver that caused your anger.
Speaker A:For example, if another driver cuts in front of you while you are driving, you could choose to think I'm happy he missed me or he must not have seen me.
Speaker A:These thoughts would not lead to you becoming angry.
Speaker A:Instead, you would probably stay calm, relaxed and happy.
Speaker A:This idea applies to any other situation.
Speaker A:For example, imagine your partner criticizes you for something that was not your fault in this case, you could choose to my partner is being so unfair that makes me mad.
Speaker A:Or you could choose to My partner is probably just having a bad day.
Speaker A:I'll give them a hug and see if they want to talk about it.
Speaker A:Your first thought would lead to you becoming angry, while your second thought would lead to you staying calm and happy.
Speaker A:In other words, it is always your thoughts, not the events that happen to you, that create your anger.
Speaker A:Tip two is to think where am I on the tension scale?
Speaker A:To explain this more, many people I see tell me that they get angry very quickly.
Speaker A:For example, these people often say that they are calm one minute and then explode with anger the next.
Speaker A:In my experience, however, this is rarely the case.
Speaker A:Almost everyone I have worked with over the last 30 years can look back in hindsight and understand that whatever situation they were in, their anger had built up over time.
Speaker A:For some people, this build up happens slowly.
Speaker A:For others, it can be faster.
Speaker A:But in all cases there is a build up.
Speaker A:One way of becoming aware of this build up is to use what I call the tension scale.
Speaker A:The tension scale is a scale from 0 to 10 of your level of tension or stress.
Speaker A:0 on the tension scale represents experiencing no tension or stress whatsoever.
Speaker A:At the top end of the tension scale, 10 represents experiencing the most stress and tension you can think of.
Speaker A:As people go up the tension scale, almost everyone will reach a point where they become angry.
Speaker A:This point is at about 7 on the tension scale for most people.
Speaker A:Below this point, you may feel various versions of anger such as annoyance at around 4 on the scale, frustration at 5 on the tension scale, feeling pissed off at 6 on the tension scale, and finally anger at 7 on the tension scale.
Speaker A:Above 7 on the tension scale, you may become abusive or violent.
Speaker A:Being aware of your level of tension or stress is essential in helping you control your anger before you get too high on the tension scale.
Speaker A:To do this, it is helpful to ask questions such am I becoming tense or stressed in this situation?
Speaker A:If so, where am I on the tension scale right now?
Speaker A:This is especially important if you are in a situation where you are likely to become angry.
Speaker A:By being aware of your level of tension or stress, you can control how your anger develops and stop it before you escalate too much.
Speaker A:Tip three is to ask, is expressing my anger in an aggressive, abusive or violent way going to help me in this situation?
Speaker A:This tip is quite Expressing anger in aggressive, abusive or violent ways is never helpful.
Speaker A:For example, imagine you are feeling angry during an argument with your partner.
Speaker A:If you express your anger in an aggressive abusive or violent way Will this help you?
Speaker A:Almost everybody understands that the answer to this question is no.
Speaker A:Expressing anger in an aggressive, abusive or violent way never helps.
Speaker A:It rarely changes the situation or other person's behaviour and it almost always causes problems in the long term.
Speaker A:For example, what do you achieve if you shout at your partner, intimidate them or threaten violence?
Speaker A:In almost all cases, it will simply make the situation worse.
Speaker A:Your partner may get scared, hurt or defensive.
Speaker A:The they may even get angry themselves, leading to a bigger argument.
Speaker A:Or they may withdraw from the situation and stop communicating with you altogether.
Speaker A:In either case, reacting with aggression, abuse or violence makes the situation worse.
Speaker A:It damages your relationship and creates problems that didn't exist before.
Speaker A:So if you find yourself in a situation where you are getting angry and thinking about expressing your anger in an aggressive, abusive or violent way, ask is expressing my anger this way going to help me in this situation?
Speaker A:I guarantee the answer will be no.
Speaker A:Now Tip four is to practice relaxation techniques.
Speaker A:When you feel yourself getting angry or stressed, it is sometimes difficult to think yourself down the tension scale.
Speaker A:This especially applies when you are above 5 on the tension scale.
Speaker A:At these times your body may be flooded with emotions.
Speaker A:Due to this, it can be challenging to think clearly.
Speaker A:In these situations, it is helpful to practice some simple relaxation techniques.
Speaker A:A straightforward relaxation technique is to take some slow, deep breaths.
Speaker A:I recommend you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Speaker A:As you breathe in, count to four.
Speaker A:Hold your breath for a few seconds and then breathe slowly through your mouth, counting to eight.
Speaker A:Do this several times until you feel your body starting to relax.
Speaker A:At the same time as taking these deep breaths, it is a good idea to change your thoughts about your situation.
Speaker A:For example, instead of my partner is being unreasonable, maybe my partner has a valid point.
Speaker A:I need to think about this more or instead of this is so unfair.
Speaker A:Think, I can't change what has happened, but I can choose how I react to it.
Speaker A:Relaxation techniques can be very helpful in bringing down your level of tension or stress.
Speaker A:But like all the techniques I discuss here, they need practice.
Speaker A:The more you practice them, the more effective they will be.
Speaker A:Tip five is to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Speaker A:Usually when you get angry, you are so focused on your own thoughts and feelings that you forget to consider the other person's perspective.
Speaker A:For example, imagine you are getting angry with your partner because they didn't do the dishes.
Speaker A:It is easy to think how unfair it is that you always end up doing the dishes and how your partner is lazy or inconsiderate.
Speaker A:But if you take a step back and see the situation from your partner's point of view, you may see things differently.
Speaker A:For example, maybe your partner just wants to relax after a long day at work.
Speaker A:Maybe they don't see doing the dishes now is a big deal.
Speaker A:Maybe they forgot it was their turn to do the dishes and thought it was yours.
Speaker A:The point is, there are always at least two sides to every story.
Speaker A:When you are angry, it is easy to think that you are right and that the other person is wrong.
Speaker A:This means you do not try to understand the other person's point of view.
Speaker A:Instead, you are just trying to prove that you are right.
Speaker A:However, if you take a step back and try to understand where the other person is coming from, you may see the situation from a very different perspective.
Speaker A:Finally, Tip six is to take a timeout.
Speaker A:As I have discussed in previous episodes, if you are getting high on the tension scale, it is better to leave the situation than to stay and risk your anger getting out of control.
Speaker A:Doing this is called taking a time out.
Speaker A:While taking a time out is often helpful, there are good and bad ways to take time timeouts.
Speaker A:For example, some people walk out on their partner in the middle of an argument, leaving their partner not knowing where they have gone or when they are returning.
Speaker A:This can be very frustrating.
Speaker A:Instead of walking out on your partner, it is better to sit down with your partner when you are both calm and work out some basic agreements for taking a time out.
Speaker A:For example, you could agree that either person can call a time out at any time during an argument and when a timeout is called, that person must leave the room immediately.
Speaker A:It is also helpful to agree on how long either of you should take a time out for and where you will go during a timeout.
Speaker A:For example, you may agree with your partner that you will take a time out for 30 minutes without when you get angry, you'll walk to the local park and calm down during that time.
Speaker A:When you come back from time out, you should be calm.
Speaker A:You should also discuss with your partner whether the issue you are arguing about is worth discussing again or not.
Speaker A:If so, choose a time with your partner to do this and make sure you stick to this agreement.
Speaker A:That way, your partner will learn that taking a time out is not a tool for avoiding difficult conversations, but simply a tool for managing your anger before it gets out of control.
Speaker A:Ok, there you have it.
Speaker A:Six proven tips to help you manage your anger in a healthier way and improve your relationships.
Speaker A:Remember, it takes time and practice to master these anger management tips, so be patient with yourself.
Speaker A:Don't be discouraged if you slip up or have setbacks.
Speaker A:Just keep practicing and using these tips whenever you feel yourself getting angry.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick podcast review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be that you exact thing someone else needs to hear today.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger once and for all, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer, happier and healthier life.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
