Episode 149
149 - Three Simple Steps To Control Your Anger
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Have you ever promised yourself you'd stay calm—only to find anger rising before you even realised it? In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three powerful, easy-to-apply steps that will help you recognise, defuse and communicate through anger before it takes control.
If you're tired of the regret that follows angry outbursts, these practical tools can help you shift from reaction to intention, and start creating more peaceful moments in your relationships.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger often builds slowly—learning to recognise the early warning signs gives you time to respond instead of react.
-Your thoughts fuel your emotions; changing your self-talk helps reduce anger and increase perspective.
-Clear, respectful communication is key to resolving tension and building deeper trust in relationships.
-Expressing feelings with calm honesty can open the door to connection instead of conflict.
-These three steps—awareness, reframing and communication—can be practiced daily and lead to lasting emotional change.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Imagine you're in the middle of a conversation with someone you care about.
Speaker A:Maybe it's your partner or your child or a close friend.
Speaker A:It starts off simply enough, but then there's a comment, a tone, a look that flips a switch inside you.
Speaker A:Your chest tightens, your voice rises, and before you realize it, you're caught in the whirlwind of anger.
Speaker A:How many times has this cycle played out?
Speaker A:How many times have you promised yourself in these situations?
Speaker A:Next time I'll do better, only to feel the same frustration, the same helplessness, the same anger creep back in.
Speaker A:If this has been your experience, take a deep breath.
Speaker A:You're not alone, and the very fact that you're here listening says something powerful about you.
Speaker A:You care enough to change, and the truth is, you can break this pattern.
Speaker A:You have more ability to control your anger than you might realize.
Speaker A:And in this episode, I'm going to show you how.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 149 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've walked alongside thousands of men and women who, just like you, wanted to understand their anger, take responsibility for their actions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you want help right now to control your anger, including a free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website angersecrets.com.
Speaker A:there's a link there to access that free training.
Speaker A:Or if you'd like to chat personally with me about your situation, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Speaker A:I look forward to talking with you.
Speaker A:Okay, with that said, let's dive into today's episode 3 Simple Steps to Control youl Anger Step 1 Recognize the Early Warning Signs of Anger Let me ask you, have you ever felt anger sneak up on you?
Speaker A:Most people have, but it's important to realize that anger almost never comes out of the blue.
Speaker A:Usually it starts small, simmering just under the surface.
Speaker A:Maybe your pulse starts to race or your jaw gets tight.
Speaker A:You notice your shoulders tensing, your thoughts turning sharp, your voice rising.
Speaker A:Maybe you feel your body heat up or catch yourself thinking the worst about someone or something.
Speaker A:These are what are called the early warning signs of anger and they are your mind and body letting you know that your anger is building.
Speaker A:These signals are completely normal and everyone experiences them in their own way.
Speaker A:The real power comes from noticing these warning signs early.
Speaker A:Think of them like the dashboard lights in a car.
Speaker A:If you pay attention to them, you can pull over and take care of what's wrong before things get out of hand.
Speaker A:So why does this matter?
Speaker A:Because the sooner you recognize these warning signs of anger, the sooner you can step in and calm yourself.
Speaker A:By recognizing these warning signs of anger, you give yourself a chance to pause, breathe and choose a different response.
Speaker A:And one that leads to calm, not regret.
Speaker A:Now let's look at the next step you can take once you've recognized the build up of anger.
Speaker A:Change your self talk.
Speaker A:Have you ever noticed how two people can experience the same situation and react completely different?
Speaker A:Why is that?
Speaker A:The answer is simple but powerful.
Speaker A:It's not what happens outside us that makes us angry.
Speaker A:It's what we tell ourselves about what happened.
Speaker A:For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic or your partner says something sharp, your mind jumps in with a story.
Speaker A:Maybe it sounds like how dare they?
Speaker A:Or they don't respect me at all.
Speaker A:And suddenly your anger starts to take over.
Speaker A:But here's the it's your thoughts, those automatic stories in your head that fan the flames of anger.
Speaker A:But here's the hopeful.
Speaker A:You can choose a different story the next time someone cuts you off.
Speaker A:What if you paused and thought, maybe they're in a hurry to get somewhere important?
Speaker A:Or maybe they just didn't see me?
Speaker A:Notice how different that feels in your body?
Speaker A:Your heart rate slows, your grip loosens on the wheel.
Speaker A:You have space to breathe.
Speaker A:Changing your self talk doesn't mean excusing bad behaviour or pretending nothing happened.
Speaker A:It simply gives you the power to decide how you feel and how you'll respond.
Speaker A:The story you choose can either fuel your anger or help you step back and let it pass.
Speaker A:This isn't always easy, especially in the moment.
Speaker A:But like any skill, it gets easier with practice.
Speaker A:And each time you change your story, you're choosing peace over conflict, clarity over chaos.
Speaker A:Now let's move on to step three.
Speaker A:Communicate.
Speaker A:Let me ask you how many arguments in your life have started because you or someone else felt unheard, misunderstood or disrespected?
Speaker A:Most of the time it isn't what's said, it's how it's said or what's left unsaid that creates tension.
Speaker A:Poor communication is like a fog that settles in between people.
Speaker A:It blurs intentions, breeds hurt feelings, and leaves everyone stumbling in the dark.
Speaker A:If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated, resentful or confused, you know just how draining that fog can be.
Speaker A:But here's the good when you communicate clearly and assertively, you start clearing the air.
Speaker A:That means expressing yourself honestly and calmly.
Speaker A:It means saying what you need and how you feel without blaming or attacking.
Speaker A:Just as importantly.
Speaker A:It means listening.
Speaker A:Really listening, not just to the words, but to the emotions behind them.
Speaker A:For example, imagine talking with your partner and instead of reacting with anger or shutting down, you pause, breathe, and I feel hurt when this happens.
Speaker A:Can we talk about it?
Speaker A:Or maybe you ask, help me understand where you're coming from.
Speaker A:Those moments open doors not just for understanding but but for true connection.
Speaker A:When you bring this kind of communication into your relationships, you start to see fewer misunderstandings and more trust.
Speaker A:Anger has less room to take hold because everyone feels heard and respected.
Speaker A:It's not always easy and it takes practice.
Speaker A:But each honest conversation is a step toward more peaceful, loving relationships with others and with yourself.
Speaker A:And if you want to know more about how to do this, I will teach you far more about effective communication strategies in the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:So there it is.
Speaker A:Three steps that can reshape the way you deal with anger Step 1 Notice the small signals before they become a storm.
Speaker A:STEP 2 Speak to yourself kindly, shifting the story in your mind.
Speaker A:Step 3 Reach for real connection through honest communication.
Speaker A:These aren't just steps, they can change the way you move through the world and how others experience you too.
Speaker A:Remember too that change doesn't happen overnight.
Speaker A:But every time you recognise and an early warning sign pause before reacting or choose a gentler word, you're breaking an old pattern.
Speaker A:You're building something more peaceful for you and those you care about.
Speaker A:And if you're listening today, know have what it takes.
Speaker A:All it takes is one choice at a time.
Speaker A:And over time those choices add up.
Speaker A:They become your new normal.
Speaker A:Ok, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:Three simple steps to control your anger.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful for you, hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear today.
Speaker A:Also, don't forget to share this episode with a friend or loved one who might benefit from it.
Speaker A:Together we can create a calmer, happier world and help each other grow.
Speaker A:Also, if you want a free training on how to control your anger or a chance to chat one on one with me, just head over to angersecrets.com there's a free 30 minute call you can book.
Speaker A:No pressure, just a genuine conversation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to get serious about changing how you show up in your relationship, take a look at the Complete Anger management system@AngerSecrets.com course.
Speaker A:I'd love to help you once and for all.
Speaker A:And finally, remember you can't control what other people say or do, but you can control yourself, and that's where your real power lives.
Speaker A:Take care and I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
Speaker A:SA.
