Episode 144
144 - The Surprising Truth About Where Anger Really Comes From
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this powerful episode of The Anger Secrets Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores a transformative truth: anger doesn’t start in the world around you—it starts within. Through vivid storytelling and real client experiences, Alastair reveals how your thoughts shape your emotions and how shifting your perspective can bring calm, clarity and deeper connection to your life.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger is not caused by external events, but by your thoughts and interpretations of those events.
-Recognising your role in creating anger gives you the power to choose a different response.
-Even deeply ingrained patterns of blame and frustration can be changed with awareness and practice.
-Real-life examples from Alastair’s clients show how changing thought patterns leads to stronger relationships and more peace.
-A simple but powerful question—“What am I thinking about this?”—can help interrupt the cycle of anger in any moment.
-With support and commitment, you can rewrite your story and live with more pride and emotional freedom.
Links referenced in this episode:
angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days
angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System
Transcript
Imagine you're standing in your kitchen after a day that's already drained most of your patience.
Speaker A:The kids are bickering over who left out the milk.
Speaker A:Your partner makes an offhand comment that stings more than you'd like to admit, and before you know it, you snap.
Speaker A:The words tumble out sharper and louder than you intended.
Speaker A:Silence then descends, heavy and raw.
Speaker A:You see the hurt in your family's eyes, and suddenly that familiar ache presses into your chest, a sinking sense of why did I do that?
Speaker A:But just for a second, think what if it didn't have to play out this way?
Speaker A:What if, in those heated seconds, you could hit pause, gather yourself, and choose a different response, One that left you feeling proud instead of ashamed.
Speaker A:If you're listening now, you've already taken a bold, honest step.
Speaker A:Most folks keep pushing these moments aside, telling themselves it's just stress or that anger is just how they are.
Speaker A:But here's what I want you to you are so much more than your anger.
Speaker A:Those quick bursts of frustration, the way your patience thins.
Speaker A:It all comes from deeper currents inside.
Speaker A:And as you figure out how to shift what's happening beneath the surface, everything around you starts to shift too.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you'll have a clear, practical key that changes how you see and handle your anger.
Speaker A:Not with gritted teeth, willpower, but through real understanding.
Speaker A:This insight can completely transform the way you think, the way you feel, and the ways you connect with the people who matter most.
Speaker A:It's about more than temper.
Speaker A:It's about the kind of story you want to live.
Speaker A:And it starts right now.
Speaker A:Hello, I'm Alistair Dews, and you're listening to episode 144 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:If this is your first time tuning in, welcome.
Speaker A:And to those of you who keep coming back, I'm truly grateful you're on this journey with me.
Speaker A:For more than 30 years, I've been helping people just like you to understand their anger, master their emotions, and and build the kinds of relationships that bring peace and pride.
Speaker A:If you're looking for support right now, including a free training on how to control your anger, head over to angersecrets.com you'll find simple access to the training.
Speaker A:Or if you want to talk one on one about your unique situation, you can book a complimentary 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:I'd love to help.
Speaker A:So let's get started with today's episode, why Anger Starts Within.
Speaker A:Let's begin with a simple when you picture moments when you've gotten angry how do you explain them to yourself?
Speaker A:It's so common for us to blame the world around us.
Speaker A:The rude co worker, the never ending traffic, the partner who just knows how to push our buttons.
Speaker A:Maybe you've said it yourself.
Speaker A:I can't help it.
Speaker A:They made me angry.
Speaker A:That explanation, it's normal.
Speaker A:But the truth is, it's never fully honest.
Speaker A:Anger doesn't actually live out in the world.
Speaker A:It starts inside you.
Speaker A:In every heated situation, you have a choice.
Speaker A:React with anger or respond in another way.
Speaker A:Now here's the missing link.
Speaker A:A truth that once you really understand, it changes everything.
Speaker A:It's not the situation itself that creates your anger.
Speaker A:It's your perception of the situation.
Speaker A:The way you think about what's happening determines what you feel and how you react.
Speaker A:Let me say that again because it's the heartbeat of what we're talking about today.
Speaker A:It isn't the argument, the traffic or the mess that creates your anger.
Speaker A:It's your own thoughts about those things that create your anger.
Speaker A:For example, two people can go through the same event, but only one gets angry.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Because what we believe, expect or assume in the moment shapes everything.
Speaker A:Here's a story you probably know.
Speaker A:You're driving home.
Speaker A:Another car swerves in front of you.
Speaker A:No signal.
Speaker A:And your gut reaction is instant.
Speaker A:Maybe you think, what an idiot.
Speaker A:Do they even care about anyone else?
Speaker A:You feel the anger flare, your hands tightening on the wheel.
Speaker A:Maybe you shout, maybe you mutter.
Speaker A:Or maybe you stew for the rest of the drive.
Speaker A:But let's give the scene a twist.
Speaker A:What if, just as you're about to react, you see that it's your best friend behind the wheel?
Speaker A:Suddenly the story in your head is different.
Speaker A:Oh, it's John.
Speaker A:He must be in a rush.
Speaker A:Instead of anger, maybe you laugh or feel just a flash of worry for him.
Speaker A:You wave, maybe shake your head with a little smile.
Speaker A:There's no explosion, no lingering upset.
Speaker A:Same event.
Speaker A:Two very different stories in your mind.
Speaker A:And two very different emotional outcomes.
Speaker A:So what's really in control here?
Speaker A:Not the outside world.
Speaker A:Not even the other person.
Speaker A:It's your thinking that sets your feeling in motion.
Speaker A:You create your anger if you want to be able to stay calm no matter what life throws your way.
Speaker A:This realization is game changing.
Speaker A:Anger won't disappear from your life, but you'll finally have the power to choose whether you let it own you or you take the reins.
Speaker A:I know this might sound like a big challenge.
Speaker A:Our thoughts can be stubborn and patterns of blame run deep.
Speaker A:But change isn't only possible.
Speaker A:It's within reach when you commit to seeing things differently, one moment at a time.
Speaker A:When I work with clients, this is at the heart of everything we do.
Speaker A:We dig into those default stories, bring them into the light and slowly, in practical steps, replace them with new ways of thinking.
Speaker A:What comes next is real a calmer mind, stronger relationships, and a sense of pride that starts to replace the old cycle of regret.
Speaker A:Let me share a couple of stories from past clients, people who face the same truth and watch their lives shift.
Speaker A:Lisa once told me, I've come to realise that there are things I can't change, but I can change the way I think, the way I act, and the way I respond to people around me.
Speaker A:Those words are powerful because they mark a turning point from powerlessness to choice.
Speaker A:Richard, who spent years feeling at the mercy of his emotions, told me, I used to believe that if a situation made me angry, there was nothing I could do about it.
Speaker A:But through your course, I learned that my thoughts have a lot to do with my emotions, and changing those has changed my outcomes.
Speaker A:For Richard, that shift unlocked years of tension and opened up a new way of living with the people he loves.
Speaker A:You can hear it in their stories.
Speaker A:Change doesn't come from forcing yourself to be calm.
Speaker A:It comes from recognizing your own role in the story, then rewriting it bit by bit.
Speaker A:So here's a practical takeaway for you.
Speaker A:Next time you feel that burst of anger, slow down and what am I thinking about this?
Speaker A:Are my thoughts helping or hurting me right now?
Speaker A:If you spot thoughts like they always do this to me or this is so unfair.
Speaker A:Pause.
Speaker A:Challenge those ideas.
Speaker A:See if there's another way to look at the moment.
Speaker A:This skill takes time, but every time you do it, you're reclaiming space between what happens to you and how you respond.
Speaker A:And that's where freedom begins.
Speaker A:If you want help as you practice this and truly everyone gets stuck sometimes, visit angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me.
Speaker A:Let's work together to help you control your anger and build the calm, happy relationships you deserve.
Speaker A:Ok, that's it for today's episode, why Anger Starts Within.
Speaker A:If this was helpful for you, hit that follow button and maybe leave a quick review.
Speaker A:It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact nudge someone else needs right now.
Speaker A:And remember, if you want a free training on how to control your anger or a chance to chat one on one with me, just head over to angersecrets.com there's a free 30 minute call you can book.
Speaker A:No pressure, just a genuine conversation.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to get serious about changing how you show up in your life, take a look at the complete anger management system@AngerSecrets.com course.
Speaker A:I'd love to help you once and for all.
Speaker A:And finally, remember, you can't control what other people say or do, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Your tone, your choices, and how you respond to others.
Speaker A:And that's where your real power lives.
Speaker A:Take care, and I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
