Episode 134
134 - The Fight You Keep Having — and How to End It for Good
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Many couples find themselves stuck in the same argument over and over. They often feel frustrated and exhausted, wondering how to break the cycle. In this episode, anger management expert Alastair shares a three-step approach called the LNC Method.
This method is designed to help couples replace fighting with productive conversations. Alastair emphasises that this isn't just theory; it's a practical way to create understanding and find solutions that work for both partners. By learning to communicate better, you can build happier and more respectful relationships.
Key Takeaways:
- The same fight with a partner often stems from feeling unheard or uncared for.
- Using the LNC Method of Listen, Negotiate, and Commit can break repetitive arguments.
- Listening means understanding your partner's feelings and concerns, not just waiting to talk.
- Commitment to action is vital after discussions to ensure that solutions are implemented.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Have you ever had the same fight with your partner again and again?
Speaker A:Maybe it's about the kids or money or that one thing they always say that just sets you off and you think, okay, next time I'll handle it better.
Speaker A:But then next time comes and bam.
Speaker A:The same blow up, the same frustration, the same exhausted silence afterward.
Speaker A:If that sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone.
Speaker A:In today's episode, I want to share a three step approach I teach to couples all the time.
Speaker A:It's helped many people finally break the cycle of those repetitive arguments and replace the yelling, stonewalling, or walking away with something way more productive.
Speaker A:Now remember that this isn't theory.
Speaker A:It's not some fancy communication trick.
Speaker A:It's real.
Speaker A:It works.
Speaker A:And once you get the hang of it, it can change everything.
Speaker A:Hello, it's Alistair here, and you're listening to episode 134 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:If you're new here, welcome.
Speaker A:And if you have been following for a while, thank you.
Speaker A:I'm really glad you're here.
Speaker A:Over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 people control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:Each week I share tools and real life stories that I use with my own clients so you can get the kind of anger management support that actually makes a difference.
Speaker A:And if you're looking for more direct or hands on help, head over to angersecrets.com you'll find a free training there and an option to book a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me.
Speaker A:It's a great way to start controlling your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Okay, let's dive in by talking about that fight.
Speaker A:You know the one I mean.
Speaker A:The argument you and your partner seem to circle back to again and again.
Speaker A:The one where you already know how it starts and unfortunately, you also know exactly how it ends.
Speaker A:It might look like it's about parenting or how to spend money or who's doing more around the house, but when you dig a little deeper, the real message underneath is usually either you're not listening to me or you don't care.
Speaker A:That's what really hurts.
Speaker A:It's not just the words.
Speaker A:It's feeling like the other person isn't seeing you or hearing you or even trying to understand what's going on for you.
Speaker A:And when that happens, it's no surprise.
Speaker A:The same fight keeps coming back.
Speaker A:Same trigger, same reaction, same disconnect.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:It doesn't have to be like this.
Speaker A:There's a way to Shift out of that pattern and it's something I call the lnc.
Speaker A:Method three simple Listen, Negotiate, commit.
Speaker A:Let me walk you through it.
Speaker A:Listen.
Speaker A:By listening, I don't mean just staying quiet until it's your turn to talk.
Speaker A:I mean actually listening, with the goal of understanding where your partner is coming from.
Speaker A:Let's say you're arguing over how to handle bedtime with your kids.
Speaker A:Instead of jumping in with your opinion or defending your choices, try getting curious.
Speaker A:Ask what's really important to them here.
Speaker A:What are they worried about?
Speaker A:What are they trying to protect?
Speaker A:Is there a childhood memory behind how strongly they feel?
Speaker A:This kind of listening takes effort, it takes patience, and it means biting your tongue when you really want to jump in.
Speaker A:But I'll tell you, if you can listen in this way, you're already most of the way to a solution.
Speaker A:Negotiate.
Speaker A:Once you've both had a chance to be heard, really heard, then it's time to start looking at solutions together.
Speaker A:This is where you brainstorm.
Speaker A:I once worked with a couple who couldn't agree on how to divide chores in frustration.
Speaker A:One of them joked, what if we just draw chores from a hat each week?
Speaker A:They laughed.
Speaker A:But then they tried it and it worked better than anything they'd done before.
Speaker A:The point is, you're not trying to win, you're trying to solve.
Speaker A:That's a mindset shift that makes all the difference.
Speaker A:Choose and commit.
Speaker A:Once you've found something that feels fair, land on it.
Speaker A:Be specific.
Speaker A:Decide what's going to happen, who's doing what, and by when, and then follow through.
Speaker A:Check in after a few days.
Speaker A:See how it's going.
Speaker A:This step is the glue that holds it all together.
Speaker A:Without action, all that talking just fades into nothing.
Speaker A:So many couples skip this part.
Speaker A:They think agreeing in the moment is enough, but it's not.
Speaker A:You've got to commit to take action.
Speaker A:Now, I want to be honest with you.
Speaker A:Any new skill takes time and practice to get right.
Speaker A:You won't nail it the first time, and that's okay.
Speaker A:But if you stick with it, the lnc Method is gives you something most couples are missing.
Speaker A:A roadmap.
Speaker A:A way to move from blow ups to breakthroughs from me versus you to let's figure this out together.
Speaker A:It might not get you exactly what you want every time, but more often than not, the solution you create together will be better than what either of you had in mind to begin with.
Speaker A:That's the beauty of this process.
Speaker A:Okay, if you want more support using the lnc Method or you're stuck in a particular argument that just won't budge, visit angussecrets.com you'll find that free training I mentioned and you can also book a free 30 minute call with me.
Speaker A:We'll talk through what's going on and see what kind of support would be most helpful for you.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode, the fight you keep having and how to end it for good.
Speaker A:If this episode was helpful, I'd really appreciate it if you hit follow and maybe leave a quick review.
Speaker A:It helps others find this show and it might be the nudge someone else needs to take back control of their anger too.
Speaker A:And remember, if you want free training or a free one on one call to see if I can help you control your anger, Visit my website, angasecrets.com and if you're ready to dive deeper and finally get your anger under control for good, head to angersecrets.com course to learn more about the complete anger management system.
Speaker A:Finally, let me leave you with this.
Speaker A:You can't control what your partner says or does, but you can control how you respond to them.
Speaker A:And that, more than anything, is where your real power lives.
Speaker A:Take care and I'll talk to you soon.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
