Episode 130
130 - Fighting Fair: 3 Proven Rules to Save Your Relationship
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Fighting with loved ones can be tough. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives into why the fights happens and how to handle them better.
Learn how small issues, like a forgotten anniversary or a simple comment, can escalate into big arguments, leaving both partners feeling hurt. To break this cycle of anger and arguments, Alastair introduces three essential rules for fighting fair. These rules help couples see arguments as chances to connect, keep communication respectful and work together to find solutions.
For anyone looking to improve their relationship and argue less, this episode is packed with practical strategies.
Key Takeaways:
- Arguments can be chances to understand your partner better, not just to defend yourself.
- Keeping communication respectful during heated moments is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- Working together to find solutions can strengthen your bond instead of tearing it apart.
- Seeing conflicts as opportunities can change the way you approach disagreements in relationships, and
- Time-outs during arguments are a sign of wisdom, not weakness; take a break if needed.
Links referenced in this episode:
For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.
To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.
Transcript
Why is it that we fight the most with the people we care about the most?
Speaker A:How can something as small as a comment about the dishes, or a forgotten anniversary, or a simple difference in opinion turn into a full blown argument that leaves you both feeling hurt, angry and disconnected?
Speaker A:And here's something else I've noticed after working with couples for for over 30 years.
Speaker A:Some couples come out of arguments feeling even closer, like the conflict helped them grow.
Speaker A:But others, they just feel more distant, like every disagreement pushes them further apart.
Speaker A:If you've ever found yourself stuck in that exhausting loop, then listen up because this episode might just shift things for you.
Speaker A:Today, I'm going to share three rules for fighting Fair.
Speaker A:These are the same rules I've taught thousands of couples to help them turn their biggest conflicts into real connection.
Speaker A:These tools work, they're simple, and they can absolutely change the way you handle arguments starting today.
Speaker A:So if you're ready to argue less, understand more, and finally get back on the same page with your partner, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 130 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes.
Speaker A:Over the past three decades, I have helped more than 15,000 men and women learn how to manage their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:And in this podcast, I share the same tools and strategies that have helped them.
Speaker A:And that can help you too.
Speaker A:If you want extra support, including a free training or the chance to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me.
Speaker A:Just visit my website, angersecrets.com I'd love to support you.
Speaker A:Okay, let's dive into today's episode, how to Fight Three Rules that Could Save youe Relationship.
Speaker A:Let's start with the obvious.
Speaker A:Why do couples argue in the first place?
Speaker A:Most people assume it's because of the big money.
Speaker A:Parenting, sex, communication.
Speaker A:But more often than not, the real cause is actually something smaller.
Speaker A:Simple misunderstandings, unmet expectations, emotional triggers that you didn't even realize were there.
Speaker A:You and your partner both bring your own hopes, values, fears, and even childhood baggage into the relationship.
Speaker A:And sometimes those things clash.
Speaker A:It's not because one of you is wrong.
Speaker A:It's just that you see the world differently.
Speaker A:And when you don't take the time to understand each other's perspectives, that's when things blow up.
Speaker A:It's also worth saying, if you've been holding on to past resentment or sweeping problems under the rug instead of working through them, that stuff builds and eventually it finds a way out, usually mid argument.
Speaker A:So how do you Break the cycle.
Speaker A:How do you stop arguments from spiraling and actually use them to grow closer?
Speaker A:Let me walk you through the three rules that can make all the difference.
Speaker A:Rule 1 See arguments as opportunities.
Speaker A:Now, I know this might sound weird at first.
Speaker A:Who wants to think of fighting as a good thing?
Speaker A:But stick with me.
Speaker A:What if every argument you have is actually a chance to understand your partner better?
Speaker A:What if it's not just about defending yourself, but about learning what they need, how they feel, and what's really going on beneath the surface?
Speaker A:That's what I mean by seeing arguments as opportunities.
Speaker A:I remember one couple I worked with.
Speaker A:Every time they argued, he'd shut down and she'd get louder.
Speaker A:It wasn't until we unpacked the pattern that he realized he felt unsafe emotionally and she realized she was just trying to be heard.
Speaker A:Once they understood that, everything changed.
Speaker A:So next time you feel the tension rising, take a breath.
Speaker A:Try to listen.
Speaker A:Really listen to what your partner is saying.
Speaker A:Not just the words, but what's underneath.
Speaker A:Maybe they're not criticizing you.
Speaker A:They're actually hurting or scared or just trying to connect and don't know how.
Speaker A:This kind of listening takes practice, but it's worth it.
Speaker A:Respect first, always.
Speaker A:This rule is simple, but it's not always easy.
Speaker A:How you argue matters more than what you're arguing about.
Speaker A:Let me be if you're yelling, name calling, bringing up old wounds, or cutting your partner down, you're not having a conversation.
Speaker A:You are doing damage.
Speaker A:Respect has to stay in the room even when things get heated.
Speaker A:If you feel yourself losing it, walk away for a bit.
Speaker A:Take a time out.
Speaker A:There's nothing wrong with saying, I need 10 minutes to cool off before we keep talking.
Speaker A:That's not weakness, that's wisdom.
Speaker A:And while you're talking, be mindful of the language you use.
Speaker A:This is where I statements can be so helpful.
Speaker A:Instead of saying, you always ignore me, you could say, I feel hurt when I'm talking and it feels like you're not listening.
Speaker A:Or the house is always a mess becomes I feel overwhelmed when things are messy and I could really use some help.
Speaker A:You're still expressing how you feel, but without blame.
Speaker A:That keeps your partner from getting defensive and helps them actually hear you.
Speaker A:Rule 3 Solve the problem together.
Speaker A:Now I get it.
Speaker A:When you're in the middle of an argument, the last thing on your mind is collaboration.
Speaker A:But if you want to move forward and not just spin your wheels, you've got to shift from opposing sides to team mode.
Speaker A:This means asking things, what do we both need right now?
Speaker A:How can we work through this together?
Speaker A:What would feel fair for both of us?
Speaker A:Now, I'm not saying this is easy, especially if you're convinced you're right and your partner's wrong.
Speaker A:But here's the in almost every conflict, both of you have a valid perspective.
Speaker A:When you focus on understanding and working toward a shared solution, the energy shifts.
Speaker A:It's no longer about winning, it's about growing stronger together.
Speaker A:One couple I worked with created a pause phrase whenever things got too heated.
Speaker A:Either of them could say, let's pause and switch to solution mode.
Speaker A:It was their signal to stop blaming and start brainstorming.
Speaker A:Simple, powerful, and it saved them a lot of late nights arguing.
Speaker A:Okay, let's bring this all together.
Speaker A:If you want to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for your relationship, remember these three Rule 1 See arguments as opportunities for understanding.
Speaker A:Rule 2 Keep your communication respectful even when things get tense.
Speaker A:Rule 3 work towards solutions together.
Speaker A:Arguments are part of any close relationship, but they don't have to tear you apart.
Speaker A:With the right tools and the right mindset, you can use conflict to actually build connection.
Speaker A:Okay, that's it for today's episode.
Speaker A:If this was helpful, I'd love it if you followed the podcast and left a quick review on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:It helps more people find this show and you never know who might need it right now.
Speaker A:And if you want more support or you're ready to finally get on top of your anger once and for all, head over to my website, angasecrets.com youm'll find a free training and the option to book a 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me completely free.
Speaker A:Or if you're ready to go deeper, visit angasecrets.com forward/course to learn more about the complete anger management system.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for spending this time with me.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
