Episode 182
182 - 3 Steps to Improve Your Relationship Starting Today
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three practical steps to help you improve your relationship starting today. Whether the arguments have become more frequent, the conversations that matter have quietly stopped or there's just a low-level tension that never fully goes away, this episode explains exactly what's getting in the way and what to do about it.
Rather than offering generic communication tips, Alastair gets to the root of what most struggling relationships are actually missing, and walks through three specific, learnable steps he's used with couples over 30 years. And the good news is that most relationships aren't broken. They're just missing a few things that can be learned.
Key Takeaways:
- Anger is like a leak in a boat. You can try harder, communicate better, go on more dates. But if the anger isn't dealt with first, you're fighting a losing battle.
- When one partner walks on eggshells, real intimacy becomes impossible. You can't be close to someone you're slightly afraid of, and unmanaged anger is almost always at the root of it.
- Most people think "communicate better" means express yourself more clearly. The more important half is listening, really listening, not just waiting for your turn.
- The fastest way to change the dynamic in a relationship is for one person to genuinely start listening to understand rather than listening to respond. It changes everything.
- The Magic Six Hours (a concept from relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman) shows that just six hours of small, intentional connection per week is enough to transform a relationship over time.
- Simple isn't the same as easy. These steps take real commitment. But in 30 years of working with couples, Alastair has seen them transform relationships people had almost given up on.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you'd like support reducing conflict and building a calmer, more loving relationship:
Transcript
You love your partner.
Speaker A:That's not really in question.
Speaker A:But somewhere along the way, things got harder.
Speaker A:Maybe the arguments happen more than they used to.
Speaker A:Maybe you've stopped having the conversations that actually matter because it's easier to avoid them than to risk another blow up.
Speaker A:Maybe you can feel a distance growing between you, slow and quiet, and neither of you quite knows how to close it.
Speaker A:Or maybe it's not even dramatic.
Speaker A:Maybe it's just a low level tension that never fully goes away, a sense that you're coexisting more than connecting, that the warmth and ease you used to have has been replaced by something more guarded.
Speaker A:If any of that sounds familiar, I want you to hear this.
Speaker A:Most struggling relationships aren't broken, they're just missing a few specific things.
Speaker A:And those things are learnable.
Speaker A:So today I'm going to walk you through three of them.
Speaker A:Steps I've used with couples over 30 years that I know work because I've seen them work over and over again.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:Alistair I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com youm can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:But first, let's talk about what's actually standing between you and the relationship you want.
Speaker A:The first step, and I always start here with couples, is to address anger in the relationship.
Speaker A:I know that might not be what you were expecting.
Speaker A:You might have come to this episode hoping for communication tips or date night ideas or some insight into why you and your partner keep having the same argument.
Speaker A:And we'll get to all of that.
Speaker A:But in my experience, none of it sticks until the anger piece is dealt with first.
Speaker A:Here's why.
Speaker A:Anger is like a leak in a boat.
Speaker A:You can keep bailing out the water.
Speaker A:You can have better conversations, go on more dates, try harder to be patient.
Speaker A:But if the leak is still there, you're fighting a losing battle.
Speaker A:The water keeps coming in.
Speaker A:When anger is unmanaged in a relationship, it creates something really damaging.
Speaker A:Fear.
Speaker A:Not necessarily the dramatic kind, but a quiet, low level wariness.
Speaker A:One partner starts to feel like they're walking on eggshells.
Speaker A:They become careful about what they say, how they say it, whether now is a good time to bring something up, and when that happens, real intimacy becomes impossible.
Speaker A:You can't be close to someone you're slightly afraid of.
Speaker A:This is something I see constantly in my coaching work.
Speaker A:Couples who genuinely love each other but have built up so many defensive walls that they can barely reach one another anymore.
Speaker A:And almost always unchecked anger is at the root of it.
Speaker A:The good news is that anger is manageable.
Speaker A:In fact, most people can learn to genuinely control their anger in a matter of weeks with the right tools.
Speaker A:It doesn't take years of therapy.
Speaker A:It takes the right understanding and the right approach applied consistently.
Speaker A:And when one or both partners start doing that work, the whole relationship shifts.
Speaker A:The eggshell walking stops, the defensiveness comes down, and suddenly there's space for everything else to improve.
Speaker A:The second step is learning to communicate better, and specifically, learning to listen.
Speaker A:Good communication gets talked about constantly, especially in the context of relationships.
Speaker A:But most of what people mean by communicate better is actually get better at expressing yourself.
Speaker A:And while that matters, it's only half the equation.
Speaker A:The more important half is listening.
Speaker A:Really listening.
Speaker A:Here's what I mean.
Speaker A:Think about the last difficult conversation you had with your partner.
Speaker A:Were you genuinely focused on understanding what they were trying to say?
Speaker A:Or were you mostly waiting for your turn, preparing your counter argument, thinking about how to explain your side?
Speaker A:Maybe getting quietly frustrated that they weren't getting your point?
Speaker A:If you're honest, it was probably the second one.
Speaker A:And that's not a criticism.
Speaker A:It's just human nature.
Speaker A:When we feel misunderstood or defensive, our instinct is to talk more, not listen more.
Speaker A:But here's what I've seen in my work with couples.
Speaker A:The single fastest way to change the dynamic in a relationship is for one person to genuinely start listening.
Speaker A:Not waiting, not planning, actually listening.
Speaker A:Focusing on understanding what the other person is saying and reflecting it back so they know they've been heard.
Speaker A:I worked with a couple not long ago who had been stuck in the same argument on rotation for years.
Speaker A:Different trigger, same pattern, same explosion.
Speaker A:But when the husband made a real shift, when he started listening to understand rather than listening to respond, his wife told him it was the first time in years she felt like he actually cared what she thought.
Speaker A:That one change transformed the entire relationship.
Speaker A:Not because everything was suddenly perfect, but because she felt safe enough to stop being defensive.
Speaker A:And once the defensiveness dropped on her side, his dropped too, and they could finally have real conversations.
Speaker A:Active listening isn't complicated, but it does take practice, especially when the conversation is charged.
Speaker A:The key is to keep your focus on your partner's experience, not your own reaction.
Speaker A:And when they finish speaking, reflect Back what you heard before you respond.
Speaker A:It slows things down, it signals that you're engaged, and it almost always de escalates tension before it can build next.
Speaker A:The third step is something I want to spend a little time on because it's not something most people have heard of, but it's one of the most practical relationship tools I know.
Speaker A:It's called the magic six hours.
Speaker A:And and it comes from the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the world's leading researchers on what makes relationships succeed and fail.
Speaker A:The idea is simple.
Speaker A:The quality of your relationship is largely shaped by just six hours of intentional connection per week.
Speaker A:Not grand gestures or expensive weekends away.
Speaker A:Just six hours of small connection consistent habits.
Speaker A:Here's what those hours look like in practice.
Speaker A:The first habit is 20 minutes a day where you and your partner genuinely connect.
Speaker A:Not scrolling side by side on the couch, not talking logistics about the kids or the mortgage.
Speaker A:Actually talking, asking each other real questions, Listening well, checking in on how the other person is really doing.
Speaker A:It sounds small, but for a lot of couples, this kind of daily connection has quietly disappeared, and its absence is felt more than they realize.
Speaker A:The second habit is two hours a week of quality time together.
Speaker A:This can be a walk, a shared meal without phones, sitting and talking after the kids are in bed.
Speaker A:The content matters less than the intention.
Speaker A:You're deliberately choosing each other.
Speaker A:And that choice made consistently sends a message that builds the foundation of trust and closeness over time.
Speaker A:The third habit is one hour a week set aside to talk about the relationship itself.
Speaker A:Not the logistics of your lives, but the state of things between you.
Speaker A:How are we doing?
Speaker A:Is there anything that's been bothering you that we haven't talked about?
Speaker A:What's going well?
Speaker A:This conversation can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you're not used to having it.
Speaker A:But done calmly and regularly, it becomes one of the most powerful tools you have for catching small problems before they become big ones.
Speaker A:Six hours a week.
Speaker A:That's all.
Speaker A:And couples who practice these habits consistently almost always see rapid improvement.
Speaker A:Not because they've fixed everything, but because they've rebuilt the daily habit of choosing each other.
Speaker A:So there are your three steps.
Speaker A:Address the anger first, because nothing else works well until you do, learn to truly listen.
Speaker A:Because being heard is one of the deepest needs a person has in a relationship.
Speaker A:And practice the magic six hours small, consistent habits that quietly rebuild connection over time.
Speaker A:These steps are simple, but simple isn't the same as easy.
Speaker A:And they do require real commitment.
Speaker A:What I can tell you is that in 30 years of working with couples.
Speaker A:I have seen these three things transform relationships that people had almost given up on and if you'd like my help doing that work, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or start with my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:Everything you need is right there and if this episode was useful I'd love it if you left a rating and review on your favourite podcast app.
Speaker A:It takes about a minute and every review helps someone else find this podcast at a moment when they really need it.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
