Episode 205
205 - How To Stop Judging Your Partner
For help controlling your anger, visit https://angersecrets.com/.
Your partner tells you how they handled something at work, and before they've finished the story, you've decided they got it wrong. You don't say it out loud. But they can feel it. In this episode, Alastair explains why judgemental thinking is so hard to switch off, and how to trade quiet criticism for something that actually brings you closer.
If you've ever finished your partner's story in your head, corrected them over something small, or dug in to prove you were right about something that barely mattered, you're not alone. Judging the people closest to us is far more common than most people realise. It also quietly erodes the trust and connection in a relationship.
In this episode, you'll learn three simple tools you can use the next time you catch yourself finding fault. You'll discover where judgemental thinking comes from. Through an ancient Buddhist story about a farmer and his horse, you'll see why things are rarely as good or bad as they seem in the moment, and why the "I'm right, you're wrong" approach always leads to the same place.
The Anger Secrets Podcast helps men and women master anger management, improve healthy conflict resolution, strengthen emotional regulation, and create calmer, happier homes.
Hosted by anger specialist Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System.
Transcript
Your partner tells you how they handled something at work, and before they've even finished the story, you've decided they got it wrong.
Speaker A:You don't say it out loud, but you think it and they can feel it.
Speaker A:Do you want to stop finding fault with the person you love most?
Speaker A:Do you want to trade that quiet criticism for something that actually brings you closer together?
Speaker A:If so, this episode is for you.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to episode 205 of the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and For the last 30 years I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:In this podcast, I'll share the proven tools and techniques I've used to help my clients control their anger and transform their lives.
Speaker A:If you want free support on your anger management journey, Visit my website, angercrets.com There you'll find a powerful free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.
Speaker A:Call with me.
Speaker A:Whether you're dealing with explosive anger, silent resentment, or just want to build a better relationship, I'd love to help you.
Speaker A:Now let's dive into today's how to stop judging your partner.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you'll have three simple tools you can use the next time you catch yourself finding fault.
Speaker A:But before we get to the fix, it helps to understand what's actually going on.
Speaker A:Let's start by asking a simple yet profound why are many people so quick to judge others?
Speaker A:The truth is, judging others is part of human nature.
Speaker A:It's part of how humans have survived for thousands of years.
Speaker A:Throughout our evolutionary past, we have needed to make snap judgments about people and situations to to stay safe.
Speaker A:Our brains are wired to assess everything and everyone around us almost instantly.
Speaker A:Is this person a friend or a threat?
Speaker A:Is the situation good or bad?
Speaker A:These quick judgments have always been critical for survival.
Speaker A:But here's the catch.
Speaker A:What was once a survival skill can now sabotage your relationships.
Speaker A:Fleeting thoughts such as I wouldn't have done it that way can quickly spiral into a habit of constantly finding fault in others.
Speaker A:Especially with those closest to us.
Speaker A:Of course, being judgmental is not just an individual problem.
Speaker A:It is everywhere in the world around us.
Speaker A:Everywhere you turn, people are obsessed with being right.
Speaker A:From heated political debates to pointless online debates, modern Western culture has just about made being judgmental a sport.
Speaker A:This mindset is almost certain to seep into your personal life.
Speaker A:For example, think about your relationship.
Speaker A:How often do disagreements with your partner come down to this simple dynamic?
Speaker A:You and your partner being both convinced that you're right about something usually relatively minor, and battling it out to prove your point.
Speaker A:As you probably know, this I'm right, you're wrong approach leads to one ongoing conflict.
Speaker A:Unfortunately, this conflict often escalates into something more damaging and ultimately erodes the trust and connection in your relationship.
Speaker A:So with that said, what is the impact of being judgmental?
Speaker A:For starters, judgmental thinking creates walls instead of bridges.
Speaker A:When you judge someone, whether it's your partner, a co worker, or even a stranger, you're essentially saying, I know better than you.
Speaker A:That never feels good.
Speaker A:On the receiving end.
Speaker A:People feel dismissed, misunderstood, or even attacked.
Speaker A:But it doesn't stop there.
Speaker A:Judging others blinds you to new perspectives.
Speaker A:When you're stuck in the mindset of I'm right and someone else is wrong, you shut yourself off from growth, learning and the richness of understanding someone else's experience.
Speaker A:So as you might understand, being judgmental doesn't just harm others, it hurts you.
Speaker A:It keeps you locked in a cycle of negativity, making it harder to connect, love and truly thrive in your relationships.
Speaker A:So what is the solution?
Speaker A:How do you break free from this cycle of judgmental thinking and start embracing others with more understanding and compassion?
Speaker A:To answer these questions, let me introduce you to one of my favourite stories, an ancient Buddhist story that teaches a powerful lesson about judgmental thinking.
Speaker A:The story is set in a quiet, sun soaked village deep in the heart of ancient China.
Speaker A:In this village lives a quiet farmer, a man known for his calmness and wise perspective on life.
Speaker A:One day, after years of saving, the farmer buys a beautiful strong horse.
Speaker A:The other villagers from the village gather around, marvelling at the magnificent animal.
Speaker A:You're so lucky, they say.
Speaker A:This horse will make your life so much easier.
Speaker A:The farmer simply smiles and replies, maybe.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:The following day, disaster strikes.
Speaker A:The horse escapes, galloping off into the wilderness.
Speaker A:The villagers rush to the farmer's house, shaking their heads in sympathy.
Speaker A:What terrible luck.
Speaker A:They cry.
Speaker A:How will you manage now without your horse?
Speaker A:But the farmer, calm as ever, responds with his usual comment, maybe.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:The following day, to everyone's amazement, the horse returns.
Speaker A:But not alone.
Speaker A:It brings back a whole herd of wild horses.
Speaker A:The villagers rush to the farmer again, this time congratulating him on his fortune.
Speaker A:Now you have many horses, they say.
Speaker A:You are the luckiest man in the village.
Speaker A:Still, the farmer remains unfazed.
Speaker A:Maybe, who knows?
Speaker A:He says once more.
Speaker A:But fate isn't done with the farmer yet.
Speaker A:While trying to tame one of the wild horses, the farmer's eldest son falls off the horse, breaking his leg.
Speaker A:The villagers rush over again, their faces heavy with concern.
Speaker A:How unlucky, they say.
Speaker A:Your son won't be able to help you now.
Speaker A:The farmer responds as he always does.
Speaker A:Maybe.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:A week later, the village receives word of an invasion.
Speaker A:The Chinese army sweeps through, conscripting every able bodied young man to fight in the war.
Speaker A:But the farmer's son with his broken leg is left behind.
Speaker A:The villagers, realizing what has happened, return to the farmer.
Speaker A:You're so lucky, they say in awe.
Speaker A:Your son has been spared.
Speaker A:The farmer looks at them with his usual calm expression and says, maybe.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:Of course, this story could go on forever.
Speaker A:But the moral of the story is clear.
Speaker A:Things are rarely as good or bad as they seem in the present moment.
Speaker A:Life is unpredictable, and what seems like a disaster today might turn out to be a blessing tomorrow.
Speaker A:And vice versa.
Speaker A:When you judge events or people too quickly, you limit your ability to see the bigger picture.
Speaker A:So how can you apply the lesson of the story of the farmer and his horse to your own life?
Speaker A:Here are three simple but powerful tips I recommend to my clients to help them stop being so judgmental and to build stronger, more loving relationships.
Speaker A:Pause before you judge the next time you catch yourself jumping to negative conclusions about someone, whether it's your partner, a colleague, or or even yourself, take a moment to pause.
Speaker A:Ask yourself, could there be another way to see the situation?
Speaker A:This small pause can open the door to greater understanding and empathy.
Speaker A:Embrace the word maybe.
Speaker A:In difficult times, when things seem bleak, like the farmer in the story, remind yourself that life is unpredictable.
Speaker A:What seems wrong or frustrating in the present moment might hold unexpected blessings in the future.
Speaker A:Practice saying maybe.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:To train your mind to stay open and flexible.
Speaker A:Choose curiosity over judgment.
Speaker A:Thirdly, instead of being right in your relationship or anywhere else, focus on being curious.
Speaker A:For example, instead of telling your partner what you think, ask them about their perspective.
Speaker A:Practice listening without interrupting.
Speaker A:Try to understand their point of view, even if it's different from your own.
Speaker A:You might be surprised at what you learn and how much closer it brings you.
Speaker A:Remember when you let go of the need to judge or control, you create space for connection, growth, and mutual respect.
Speaker A:This is the foundation of every great relationship.
Speaker A:Okay, thank you for joining me for today's episode of the Anger Secrets podcast, and be sure to tune into the next episode to find out if you have anger issues.
Speaker A:If you found this episode helpful, please follow this podcast and head over to your favourite podcast app and leave a quick rating and review.
Speaker A:This helps other people struggling with anger.
Speaker A:Find and benefit from this show.
Speaker A:Remember too, for free support on your anger management journey, including a free training and the opportunity to book a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to control your anger once and for all, visit angersecrets.com course to learn more about my powerful online coaching program, the Complete Anger Management System.
Speaker A:I look forward to helping you control your anger once and for all.
Speaker A:Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:I'll see you in the next episode.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
