Episode 189
189 - Taking Things Personally Isn't the Problem - This Is
For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.
Most people think taking things personally is the problem. It isn't. The real problem is the meaning you attach to what other people say, and how quickly that meaning turns into anger, hurt, or defensiveness.
If you've ever replayed a conversation for hours, felt crushed by criticism or found yourself reacting strongly to a comment that seemed minor to everyone else, this episode is for you. Alastair explains why taking things personally isn't a character flaw but a learned pattern, and how that pattern fuels emotional reactions that damage confidence, communication, and relationships.
You'll learn two practical principles that can immediately reduce emotional reactivity.
First, how to recognise when another person's words are really a reflection of their own stress, frustration, or perspective rather than a judgment of your worth.
Second, how to identify the moments when criticism contains useful feedback that can help you grow rather than trigger defensiveness.
Through real client examples from both the workplace and family life, you'll discover how emotional control begins with questioning the automatic stories your mind creates. The result is fewer arguments, calmer responses, stronger communication and healthier relationships.
Anger Secrets is the podcast for people who want practical anger management strategies that create calmer relationships, stronger emotional control, and lasting personal change.
Hosted by Alastair Duhs, creator of The Complete Anger Management System and founder of Anger Secrets.
Resources & Next Steps:
If you find yourself replaying conversations, getting defensive or feeling hurt by things others seem to brush off, Alastair would love to help:
- Visit: angersecrets.com
- Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System
- Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
Transcript
You've probably been told by someone at some point, don't take it personally, and you nodded.
Speaker A:Maybe you even agreed.
Speaker A:But when the moment comes and someone criticizes you or snaps at you or says something that cuts right through, saying don't take it personally is about as useful as being told to calm down when you're already angry.
Speaker A:The problem isn't that you don't agree with the advice.
Speaker A:The problem is nobody has ever explained why you take things personally in the first place, or what to actually do about it in the moment.
Speaker A:And that's what today's episode is for.
Speaker A:Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.
Speaker A:I'm Alistair Dwes and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.
Speaker A:If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:But first, let's talk about why you take things personally and what you can actually do about it.
Speaker A:To begin with, here's the thing about taking things personally.
Speaker A:It feels like a character flaw.
Speaker A:Like something is broken in you that isn't broken in other people.
Speaker A:But it's not a flaw.
Speaker A:It's a pattern.
Speaker A:And like any pattern, once you understand it, you can change it.
Speaker A:When someone says or does something that upsets you, your brain does something very fast and very automatic.
Speaker A:It takes their words, runs them through your own lens of self worth and identity and delivers a this is about me.
Speaker A:This reflects on me, or this means something about who I am.
Speaker A:And once that verdict is in, the anger or the hurt or the defensiveness can follow almost immediately.
Speaker A:So the question is, is that verdict accurate?
Speaker A:Usually it isn't.
Speaker A:And that's where today's two principles about how not to take things personally come in.
Speaker A:So what are these principles?
Speaker A:Principle one is that it's not about you.
Speaker A:To help explain this, I once worked with a client I'll call Craig.
Speaker A:Craig was a successful businessman, capable of driven and well respected by most of his colleagues.
Speaker A:But he had a problem.
Speaker A:Every piece of feedback, every offhand comment, every small criticism in a meeting would land like a personal attack.
Speaker A:He'd go quiet or he'd get defensive.
Speaker A:Then he'd go home and replay the whole thing for hours, wondering what people really thought of him.
Speaker A:This was exhausting Craig, and it was starting to affect how he showed up at work.
Speaker A:He'd begun avoiding Collaborating with others, he steered clear of situations where he might be judged or criticised, which was making things worse.
Speaker A:When Craig and I started working together, the first thing I asked him to consider was, what if the other person's words had almost nothing to do with him?
Speaker A:Because here's what I've seen over 30 years of working with people.
Speaker A:Most of the time, when someone criticizes you, snaps at you or says something that stings, it's coming from their world, not yours.
Speaker A:Their stress, their frustration, their own insecurities playing out in the room.
Speaker A:You just happen to be there.
Speaker A:Another way to frame this is this.
Speaker A:Imagine a colleague who's had a terrible morning, bad traffic, a difficult call, something going wrong at home, and they walk into a meeting and make a sharp comment about your work.
Speaker A:In that moment, it feels like it's about you.
Speaker A:But is it really?
Speaker A:Or is it about everything they're carrying that day?
Speaker A:Once Craig started asking that question, is this actually about me or is this about them?
Speaker A:Things shifted quickly.
Speaker A:When a colleague criticized him in a meeting, instead of internalizing it, he'd pause and think, this is their opinion.
Speaker A:It reflects their perspective.
Speaker A:Not my worth.
Speaker A:That single shift in thinking helped him respond calmly and professionally.
Speaker A:Rather than going on the defensive, he stopped dreading feedback.
Speaker A:He started engaging with his team again.
Speaker A:And here's the good news.
Speaker A:You don't have to be some kind of Zen master to do this.
Speaker A:You just need to take a moment or a deep breath before the verdict comes in.
Speaker A:In that moment, ask, is this really about me or is this about them?
Speaker A:More often than not, you'll find it's the latter.
Speaker A:A dad I worked with recently had a similar pattern, but it was playing out at home.
Speaker A:His wife would say things like, you never help around the house.
Speaker A:And every time she said it, he felt attacked, criticised, unappreciated.
Speaker A:So he'd either go silent and stew or he'd argue back, but neither response helped anyone.
Speaker A:But when he started applying this first principle and recognized that his wife's comments often came from her feeling overwhelmed, not from a desire to attack him, everything changed.
Speaker A:Instead of reacting, he started offering to help.
Speaker A:The arguments dissolved, the relationship got warmer.
Speaker A:Not because anything dramatic happened, but because he stopped taking the bait.
Speaker A:Sometimes it is about you, and that's okay.
Speaker A:Now, I want to be honest with you here, because the first principle, it's not about you, is powerful, but it's not the whole picture.
Speaker A:Sometimes someone says something that hits home because there's a grain of truth in it.
Speaker A:And in those moments, the worst thing you can do is dismiss it entirely or get so defensive that you miss what's actually useful feedback.
Speaker A:This is something I see all the time in my work.
Speaker A:Someone gets criticized, they feel attacked, they argue back, and weeks later, when things have calmed down, they quietly admit to themselves the other person had a point.
Speaker A:For example, a few months ago, I worked with a man called Simon.
Speaker A:His wife regularly told him he never listened to her.
Speaker A:His immediate reaction every single time was to insist that wasn't true, to defend himself, to explain all the ways he did listen.
Speaker A:And what did that get him?
Speaker A:An argument every time.
Speaker A:But when I asked Simon to sit with it rather than react to it, he acknowledged something.
Speaker A:There were times when he was distracted during conversations, times when his mind was elsewhere, when he was half listening while scrolling his phone or thinking about work and his wife could feel it.
Speaker A:So Simon tried something different.
Speaker A:Instead of defending himself, he said to his wife, I'm sorry if I haven't been listening as well as I could, lets work on this together.
Speaker A:That response validated how she felt, it showed her he was willing to grow.
Speaker A:And it led to a much better outcome than any argument ever had.
Speaker A:So here's the distinction I want you to hold onto.
Speaker A:There's a difference between criticism that's delivered unkindly and feedback that carries a genuine message worth hearing.
Speaker A:Your job isn't to accept every harsh word thrown at you, but it is to be honest enough with yourself to is there something true here?
Speaker A:Is there something I could actually work on?
Speaker A:That question takes courage.
Speaker A:But it's the question that leads to growth both in yourself and in your relationships.
Speaker A:So the next time someone says something that hurts, do this.
Speaker A:First, pause.
Speaker A:Don't react immediately.
Speaker A:Give yourself a breath.
Speaker A:Even just two or three seconds before you respond can make a significant difference to what comes out of your mouth.
Speaker A:Second, ask is this about me or is this about them?
Speaker A:If a fair minded look at the situation tells you it's coming from their stress, their mood, their.
Speaker A:Their insecurities, remind yourself of that.
Speaker A:Respond with empathy where you can, and don't let their words define your worth.
Speaker A:But third, if there's truth in it, acknowledge it.
Speaker A:Not as an admission of defeat, not as a blow to your confidence, but simply as someone who is open to learning and growing.
Speaker A:Because people who can do that, people who can hear hard feedback without crumbling or erupting, those are the people who build the strongest relationships.
Speaker A:And they tend to be the calmest, most grounded people in any room.
Speaker A:And furthermore, taking things personally is often a sign that you care deeply about what others think, and that's not a weakness.
Speaker A:But when it's unmanaged, it turns into a filter that distorts everything.
Speaker A:Every comment feels like a verdict, every piece of criticism feels like an attack, and you spend enormous amounts of emotional energy on things that in most cases were never really about you at all.
Speaker A:These two principles won't solve everything overnight, but they'll give you a way to interrupt the pattern.
Speaker A:And that's where change always starts.
Speaker A:If this is something you're struggling with.
Speaker A:If you find yourself constantly replaying conversations, getting defensive, or feeling hurt by things others seem to brush off easily, come and find me@AngerSecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or access my free training on how to break the anger cycle.
Speaker A:I'd love to help you work through it.
Speaker A:And if today's episode was useful, please take a moment to follow the podcast and leave a rating or review on your favorite app.
Speaker A:It helps more people find this content and I'm genuinely grateful every time someone does.
Speaker A:And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Take care.
Speaker B:The Anger Secrets Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.
Speaker B:No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.
Speaker B:If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.
